You know, that shit always got on my nerves when they said those unwarranted compliments. Like stop fucking patronizing me and give me something I can use. But I guess my mistake was expecting something that they weren't from them.

You remind me of myself. I was made fun of, skinny, and generally lost most the time. Except I perhaps have more violent tendencies. I used to throw my chair around my room and thrash whatever I felt like and I'd yell, cry, and beat myself up until I calmed down. The calm you feel after an emotional outburst is peculiar. I felt like slaughtering people or killing myself, but that sort of thing would've just been a wasteful endeavor. I felt that it would just be a waste of damn time as I was about to blow my brains out with my shotgun, so I stopped. If it was something I really wanted, I would have done it by now. I wanted to stop being so damn weak more than anything but I couldn't fucking have it. I now realize better that just wanting something is not enough for it to happen.

The way out, I think, is to cultivate reasoning. To have principles that are true. That's what a therapist does to help you understand and get over your problems, but personally, I wouldn't want to see one because you're paying them to pretend to be your friend. It also pisses me off that anyone other than me would have power over me because my past I guess. That's another thing, I didn't buy into this idea that you needed others to be happy. Maybe a good friend would spruce things up but I'm perfectly fine working on my own shit. Anyways, when I think about pure reasoning as a concept, things start becoming a little more coherent to me. I think that was what I was looking for, some sense, a strong foundation with suitable answers for my insecurities. Reasons I could bring myself to believe in my strength. What you want is peace, & relief. It's the definition of success, no more conflict. You should make the distinction of whether your weakness is a law or just an observation of circumstances that you think is a law.

Using devices to escape is a good way to never face your issues and have them keep living with you. I'm starting to realize that this shit is satanic, destructive. I might become amish or some shit lol. It is more thrilling to make progress in something you can do with your hands, something with a real world effect. Like working out. What other reason do you need to start working out other than being strong is cool? My problem was shutting down because I felt like I couldn't.

Don't listen to others telling you to consoom or what to do. They speak for themselves. They're like advertisers. Do it on your own terms. I don't want to listen to them because they're telling me to consoom instead of telling me to determine what is desirable rationally.

About women, I'd say they like being liked more than anything. And, I think, it's not necessarily "alpha-ness" they like but a certain healthiness. I like ones that would accept me even if I was fucked up. For me, if I note an uncommonly good quality about them they usually like me back and I would go for those, but I don't think I would bother with the rest. Though I don't go for them because at this point in time I feel it's besides what I'm currently working on. So perhaps take all this with a grain of salt as I've never had a gf.

For teeth I use hydrogen peroxide with baking soda sprinkled on the brush. It does it's job better than the industrial waste product that is flouride, the former mixture making my teeth literally squeaky clean, unlike common toothpastes. Also oil pulling with coconut oil, I've done that some and it helps. I used to have extreme pain in my back teeth but that has pretty much gone away after using this stuff.

These are just some of the thoughts I've accumulated. Take what you will from them and hopefully it'll help. This became long but it was an opportunity to vent some of my own stuff too. Take care.