>>945
>(it once told me that I had a specific disease, and then I looked up the word and its something that is only possible for women).
amazing entity

My parasites learned my ways of controlling my body and hijacked my skills and tried to turn against me when I didn't do what they wanted. The bad thing was I was not aware of them so I thought I really suffer from something but because I always could control what my body did I just "healed" it. It was a continuous back and forth. But when I learned it's not my body's fault but multiple parasites? It was a real crusade.

>if I hadn't gotten help from the cabal
Ask for further help. Sometimes they have good ideas.

But at least your shadowwork is revealing itself. You just have to become the person that cannot be messed with. Especially mentally. Mental resilience and fortitude is one of the most important attribute of an occultist anyway.
And when your thoughts get too bad and way too intrusive. Always ask yourself. Is this really what I want?
You need a way to regain your self-awareness when things get bad.

Also create a weapon mentally. A dagger or a sword with purifying flame. One of my first weapon was an axe. After chopping a lot of wood I realized I have the "splitting apart" feel so well in my mind that I used that axe to kill though entities. When you create a weapon you need to know it "hurts". That is why they say it that "you need to cut others and yourself with it"
If it cannot "cut" you it cannot cut others. You need to know certainly that whatever it's blade touches will suffer. Then you get so good at that you can kill anything with a mere thought. I know this sounds edgy but this is important.
Also I got a whip from an entity once. It was more like a leash in function. So I could tie up and control hostile entities.