>>155241. “The abuser has been so good for so long, so one outburst can’t be too bad can it? The abuser has been more good than bad, they’re good to me most of the time, so I should just calm down, I’m being irrational.”
2. Most abusive relationships involve some form of financial dependency. People need to be financially independent because otherwise they can end up stuck with someone in a very bad position. Most women who continue living with abusive men, but not all, stay because they’d otherwise be homeless. This is specifically why women’s shelters exist.
3. Mothers who are abused stay because they feel like their child needs a father and she doesn’t want to deprive the child of having both its parents. The abuse is hidden and the mother feels like she would be failing the child if she left for her own safety. This is of course irrational because the child is hurt by having a hurt mother and being exposed to abusive dynamics, but this thinking is result of being abused and feeling stuck.
4. Stockholm syndrome is real. Most abusive relationships are also intense relationships. There as many highs as there are lows. This leaves people feeling extremely attached, and both people feel like they need each other and could only ever be loved by each other, no one else. Feelings of love triumph over any logic you might have.
5. A primary feature of almost every single abusive relationship is the abuser trying to convince the victim that it is actually them that’s the abusive one. The abuser says any reaction to their abuse is abusive. The abuser says attempts at leaving are abuse. The abuser often even threatens suicide or self harm to get the victim to stay. The victim’s self esteem is the lowest of the low, as that is what allows abuse to happen, and these shitfests make that self esteem even lower which makes them even more self hating and likely to believe what the abuser says.
It’s not a rational mindset. It’s not a good mindset. It’s not an instant mindset. It happens. It’s just what happens, it happens to people who think it’d never happen to them. It’s a cycle rooted in some sort of low self esteem, naivety, dependency, or just being in the wrong place at wrong time. It requires empathy to understand. Nowhere in this post have I treated women as stupid or incapable of reason, nor have I said abuse only happens to women. I have no idea what else to say to you because empathy isn’t something you can teach or force.
>>15526The red flags you’re talking about don’t pop up until it’s too late and someone is already experiencing one of the things listed above. Abusers are never immediately abusive, otherwise they’d be forever alone. They wait and they plant seeds. And then when those red flags appear in their full form, they know the victim is too dependent and self doubting to know what to do. Applies to men and women. You’re treating this like only women are dumb enough to be abused but I have known plenty of men too attached and beaten down to leave their awful girlfriends. This is something that can happen to anyone. You see yourself as above it so you can’t empathize in the slightest.