>>45123
Yeah but she was really is/was something else, something better than all of the others, and I still see her as so. So even when brushing aside the mental image of her doing all those things, just knowing that she did is enough to make me feel like dogshit not simply because of how demeaning and whorish the acts themselves are, but just learning that she is someone capable of doing such a thing in the first place, which she actually did and has done plenty. It's like... what happened to the person she used to be? The cute yet tough tomboyish shy girl with cool and wholesome interests and genuine kindness? When did she become *this*? But even asking this makes me realize that it doesnt matter, it's all too late and worthless now since she can't undo what she has done and can only hope that someone insincerely gaslights her into thinking they don't care in order to have a go at her like others have done in the past. It's like a big, red scarlet letter has been branded on her forehead for everyone to see and know who she actually is and what she's actually done regardless of appearances or impressions.
It sucks out all the motivation and whatever remnants of happiness or not-misery out of me. Sorry to blogpost but I just needed to blow off some steam because this actually makes me feel bad and letting it out helps a bit.