As a child, I blocked out most of my past because I was bullied. I didn't really take care of myself because I hated myself. I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't eat, I felt unloved, and so much more that I can barely remember about my childhood. I could only recall certain events, like when this one girl walked up to me and told me, "Oh, your teeth are so white, I like them." I didn't know what sarcasm was at that time, and I said "Thanks," not understanding why she sounded like that. Another memory I have is when my "friends" started leaving me for no reason. Well, I think I know why they left me; probably because I was a freak. Another memory I have is of my teachers being mean. They would mark my test adding things like "Oh, you're so stupid" to certain questions. One question that hurt me very badly is when we had to draw hands, one hand having all the good things about a person and the other having all the bad things in a person. She wrote on the bad hand, "Just like you!" That really hurt me as a child. Another memory I have is when I confessed my feelings to this girl with a love letter. I didn't really know how to spell, so most of the words just seemed like gibberish. When I gave it to her in class, she laughed, saying that I should learn how to be smart before I asked her out. Her friends even said, "You're too ugly for love." It's honestly sad. One time, back in grade 4, I think I told my friend I liked this one girl in class. He told the whole school the next day, and she "was my girlfriend" for a little until breaking up with me 3 months into the relationship. She even said, "I only dated you because I got dared" when she broke up with me. I have bad memories of everybody in my life. Even my parents used to lie, saying "Oh, you're so talented" or "You're so good at this," even though I wasn't anywhere near as good or talented as most people. I was honestly hurt as a child mentally, and I think that plays a big role in why I'm so friendly, gentle, and frankly scared of how I act around people now that I'm 14. I honestly don't want to be myself because I'm scared people might be mean to me again. I try to brush my teeth every day. I try to eat. I sort of brush my teeth every day, and I at least eat around one meal per day, so I think I'm recovering, but I'm not sure. I'm also kind of in love with this girl in my class, but I'm frankly too scared to ask her to be mine. Well, the reason is that I'm sort of broke, and I don't have a lot of money, so I can't really buy stuff for her or take her on dates, and I don't want to tell her I'm broke because I'm scared she will not want to be friends or even more than friends anymore. So yeah, I don't know what I want to do with my life or what I'm doing. I'm starting to get suicidal thoughts every day, and I can't stop them. I hope someone at least can help me here one day. But all I want is to give someone my world, to show someone all the affection and love I have in me for them. Yeah, I don't know what else to say, but I hope that my life gets better, and I hope someone can help me with what's going on in my life. Thank you.