>>449 >I counted the reasons why I should be living and...if you discount my family, close friends, the studies and a certain hobby of mine, watching the movie was at my 4th or 5th preference for staying alive and keep going. It seems like an autistic joke or something but when you are empty and down in certain periods, you only think about what you have close to you. I'm starting to sound super edgy again, but my reason for staying alive is petty, to downright pathetic and outright stupid. And that reason being... pain. Yeah. Pain. Told ya it was absurd. I do really always like to make an well of potential + local/global maxima/minima here, as if life was a function with domain of some abstract "position" and codomain being the pain level. Having modeled life like that, I'm sitting in the well surrounded by walls of potential i.e. I'm sitting in a local minimum of a function. The local minimum represents day to day ordinary life. Beyond the walls of potential lies a global minimum, and the walls of the well symbolise effort (and pain) required to kill oneself. With the despicable life target of minimising the function, here I am, sitting in the local minimum, not quite willing to climb over the walls, contrary to the life objective of achieving overall lowest value of function. AKA literally taking the path of least resistance in the most animalistic way imaginable. Makes me hate myself at a times, alas I'm so indifferent that it does nothing. Gotta overcome that potential well someday, though. The fact that the local minimum is rising and the walls are getting smaller also helps.
