>>5426 >>5427 This fic's strongest moment in writing I'd say is here.It conveys what Bluestar thinks he last moments perfectly. It feels very poetic but not inorganic as good writing should. I love the spoilers at the end and it just adds a sense of atmosphere that just really made this two chapters feel. These chapters feel like they did what they needed. >Let each bubble of my breath remember with firmament , for honour and loyalty that I have been giving, guarantee me a worthy drowning and see everything that came and went. I have to go back and check but one thing I think you have really improved on is using larger words and writing in a more professional way. There still is some awkward phrasing and grammar errors in some places when I looked but I believe you are starting to articulate well. Especially emotion.
>>5435 This chapter is second place. The flashback and dialog feel good enough on there own to highlight but I found this haunting: >>5436 >He stayed a little bit thoughtful and he said: >“BlueStar, it´s because Equestrians leave and no highway will bring them back” It is really hard to explain why I like this because of this. I have ways to try to articulate this but I'm not sure how well I could get the meaning across. Let's just say that the flashback gives me a weird haunting feel with that quote. That random pony he probably will never see again. It is a feeling that I really like. A mix of /comfy/ and haunting that I'm not sure others or even you fully intended or would understand. It is actually may favorite part, but it is second place because I'm not sure how much of that moment is just me and my strange personal bias.
One other note: By the time of Seaquestria the flow feels fine and your descriptive enough. In fact I went back and I think the main problem chapter is chapter 2 as most other things only feel like I sometimes run into a phrase or two were it could be worded better or a typo. The early chapters have the most in stuff like past and present tense issues but Chapter 2 is the only one that feels flawed enough to be substantially rewritten in my eyes. Were you rushing or was it that you were translating and got progressively better after a brief time of awkward?
