Those episodes with my mom when I was a kid were fucking horrible but they weren't what broke me. They were more like the start of a very long process I think. I still felt hopeful sometimes even after that, when she got better and I was the one in treatment, up until I was 18 or 19. Maybe I was too young to break. Night school a couple years later was great, although it did confirm that I was not going to get along with many people. And ever since I got my degree it's been just misery almost exclusively. There were a couple occasional twinkles of hope, where I thought maybe I'd be able to get a job I could do or I'd find some other purpose in life, but that never happened. My mom is never going to recover, my little sister is a lost cause, my dad is the only person I can still rely on and trust (for the most part) but he's getting old and fragile and forgetful. Autismal retards like me do better when they have a full and functional family and mine has always been the polar opposite of that. These days I never feel any hope anymore, I only feel good when I'm content with my present, living in the moment so to speak, probably by having a cup of tea and playing some of the same crappy music I'm always linking here