Had attempted several times but never succeeded. When I did, usually several days before I'd feel numb. I did not talk alot. Usually it's about my past. When the day came, I would cry alot while holding a knife or a bunch of pills. My brain were like an overdrive CPU waiting to be explode. I thought everything wasn't matter. My life wasn't matter. My parent deserve better daughter because I felt like I didn't deserve to live because there's nothing good about me. I feel angry to myself and people around me. But at me the most.

When I couldn't do it, I'd be numb days after that, regretting I didn't do. Prolly about a week or so, I'd text my bestfriend, telling her I did it again. I know she'd angry to me because I promise not to do it again but I don't care. I need to say it.

She'd tell me to give myself a chance to live the life. She'd tell me, there's must be something good waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. Not at the end of the rope.

The last time I attempt suicide and failed, my friend asked me not to do it for her. I know I'm blessed to have such a good friend and I really appreciate that. She asked me a favour to do list I'm going to do tomorrow and the next day and the next day. For example, in the morning I should have breakfast, then study the topic I didn't understand, then have lunch, then take a nap, then walk at the park. I did it like a month or two, feeling living like a robot. I just do everyday. I didn't think about other people. If I don't understand the subject, I asked the lecturer directly. Soon, I got recover and when I got good grades I felt it's a reward for me.

SO for whoever wants to suicide, take my advice; ignore people and yourself because life is cruel. But do something good for yourself that day. As my friend said, the future is unclear but it's good enough for you to know what to do next.