>>2320
The knife had an another great aspect. Pain. The pain of the victims.
More than a decade ago I had the "genius" idea that
>IF pain and suffering is inevitable and necessary if you want to achieve great things then I will get immune to it...NO I will realize the perversion of the masochists and I will even feel pleasure in the gravest of situations. This will be my greatest fuel. Kill me? Torture me? I will enjoy it. My destruction will be my pleasure and the only thing that can top that will be the destruction of anyone who dared to even think they can inflict pain and suffering upon me. Flight or fight reflex? This is a Fight or fight harder reflex. My "comfort zone" is pain and suffering. Move me out of it? I will inflict all my pain and suffering upon you for doing that.
This was my last resort emergency personality. When only madness remains as a way towards victory. Never had to use it and no one pushed me that far. But it created the craziest mental block that I totally forgot about. I never even considered my body as my body. It's a vessel it's a tool. Willpower moves it and it does what I tell it. How dares it to be weak. I will feed it I will let it rest when it deserves it but it will do what it needs to do. It's my body after all. Entities tried to tell me how this thinking is bad and I have to stop it but I brushed it away with:
>they just want me to be weak so they can control me

I had to understand that I am actually making myself weaker because I am ignoring my weaker side and forcing it with the craziest methods I come up with always to make it strong. I knew I have to stop this once because this will destroy me longterm but never had the time to do this years ago.
Now that I am getting in touch with my weaker side and letting energy flow through it my body has this happy/content feeling. It was frustrating. No drive to move forward, my mind doesn't feel happiness but my body doesn't have that constant pain that makes me go forward. What to do? I realized I can increase my sensitivity to feel the "Pain" that the body constantly feels but we are unaware of it until it goes so bad that our brain makes us feel it until we fix the problem. That still wasn't enough of a motivation force because this way I realized my weaker points more and fixed the energy flows and more happiness/contentness and 0 drive again. Am I a machine that works on nothing but pain and suffering? Am I the antithesis of Buddhism?
Asceticism is about this, making the body suffer so much that the emergency systems awake and "accidentally" give enlightenment. The Buddha hated those guys because it doesn't work most times and they suffer for the sake of suffering. But even when he awoke knew it's necessary but not in the extremely retarded measure.

When we feel pain the muscles contract/react. It creates an automatic response. That pain going through the circuits gave me the sensation I forgot how much I loved it.

Pain is the feeling that reminds you that you are alive. It gives a sudden focus. Letting this pain go through the qi circuits is great because it makes it flow because only the circuits react to it and not the other muscles. I was trying to understand so many "divine" ways to make the flow natural. They all worked but none of them were this simple and effective.
But this thing is only good for unblocking pathways. My guides tell me constantly that I cannot use self torture longterm. It's good here and there but overall it will create lasting scars. The "divine" way of energy circulation knowledge was not for naught but this helped me to go forward.

Currently my pinky finger feels weird because many years ago I cut it in a weird way that I completely forgot but now the scar resurfaced and the energy circuits are "cutting though it" because it didn't heal perfectly. And it seems I didn't use the energy circuits of my pinky finger. What even is there.