>>796
I am starting to realize something about past lives and the way I connect to them but I have to test this theory further because it's a weird realization which is only possible because of the current state of my being. But that is not what I want to share today because today some other interesting thing happened.

As I realized there are further things in my kidney and the reason for it's instability is further "white stone" like things. As I was asking around if I should take them out and what to do with them. My energy levels started to imbalance themselves even further and gave me the mentality of "Break through or break apart". This mentality can be used for some things but the most important thing for that you need something you can "break". You need to know how and for what to use this power or you rip yourself apart. So as I was almost ripping myself apart because that was my only idea how i will fix my current imbalance. I went back to the vampire who I can describe best as "pathworking" vampire. He hides everything he has and never says more than he needs and sometimes does "tests" I don't know what to make of yet but always helpful otherwise. So as I realized I didn't talk to him for a while when I barely even started to think about him a scepter appeared front of me. It was weird it's usually not this fast so I went to him and asked what does it do. He told me to "figure it out".

As I was trying to remember what scepters do in ceremonial magic and realizing it's not the scepter that is important here but that it looks like a crescent moon. I started to use it on things to see the energy. The way I could describe it that it's the "moon" energy. As I was starting to think what the moon represents in the occult... Like a 100 idea came to me so I scrapped that. I went ahead and used it. A white energy enveloped me and as I was trying to figure out what it did I realized that I am calm. Not my usual calmness not the "focusing" calmness not the calm before the storm calmness that I felt so much in these years.

I realized I got the stability I craved. Not just mentally but bodywise too. This was the positive passive feminine energy I forgot about already. The negative is stagnation the positive is stability. This is a great find but a terrible realization. I am unable to make my positive feminine energy on my own. All I have the masculine drive to "change" and go forward but I am overdoing it so much it gets too destructive. I even tested how permament is the effect of this wand and it lasts as long as long I am willing to stay in this "peace". I can break apart if I want. This wand is a temporary help so I don't destroy myself until I master my Ying (the fact that there are so many Yings like the kidney water Ying and I am not just know of it but I can actively use it now annoys me to a new level because understanding and communicating what I do gets even harder and more pointless)

Also now that my calm returned and my awareness with it I have seen my kidney had a bunch of dark spots. Now I am slowly purifying them.

And I figured out what is one of my great problem currently. I am balancing out my life and spiritual development and as in that Aghory vid the master explained how bad is the idea that his now awakened apprentice goes home to visit his family because his "ego" will rip him apart.
I am starting to understand this. It can be overcome but it needs caution. As I am going forward the surroundings are changing around me for the better but it's slow. So far it seems I managed "karma" to directly "attack" me so it doesn't use others as a manifestation point. I am not sure yet. I either didn't take apart a single karma that I "share" with people. Or the way I managed my relationships through the years karma doesn't "dare" to manifest through the people around me. I am not sure yet. Karma is still a weird concept to me. I will talk about it in the tantra thread further.