>>34192
>what would her ideal state look like (kc tire I know)
Bunch of topics can be discussed with women. And it's better to do it, since the usual stuff will become boring very fast.
Maybe she models her view of state after her family. Both too much (getting used to it) and too little control (wishing others would take over the responsibility) can result the same. And since you asked an ideal state, she painter an idealistic picture.
But back to her personality and behaviour. Generally people who aren't conscious about their faults and negative traits are rarely change, and for the others it is a slow and not easy process. Maybe it is worse than trying to fight a bad habit since so core element of the personality. I believe long distance relationship doesn't help, but if you would live together that wouldn't change much either. On the long run maybe, if she sees you treat her good, then she can give it a rest, and calm down.
It's obvious she looks up at authority. Authority can be gained through love, fear or respect. Love evaporates fast and inducing fear would equal in her case with the bad parenting and abusive environment which made her this way. Respect is the best (in general too, not just in this situation), it is basically part love and part fear, but respect have to be earned, and it is hard work.