>>7817
This part of the story is alright. It's not as strong of a tone as the first part (er... the latter part?) but that is a emotional climax while this is just establishing the set up. I can see why someone would be turned off by some aspects of this but I disagree on this point:
>Although cuckchan thought it meandered aimlessly and had too many spelling errors co create a discernible story.
The story is very discernible, they are a few things that could get better clarity but I understood overall what was going on. Main jaring part was the police and that one jump in POV back to Hobs.

The character's in this story are interesting, well, one of them is. Anon, especially in the earlier part, seems like your average old instrument of sex and power fantasy on behalf of the reader. I don't consider it completely as off limits as some (how many supposedly better writters just use Twilight Sparkle or some other main character to do the same thing?) but is not something that many like and can get tiresome when it is overdosed. Makes me leery. Though, the earlier part, Anon does feel a bit more established and you covey a pain and familiarity between the two that makes me think he is more fleshed out then this "first" part suggests.

Now, onto the interesting one, Roasting Hops. Though I did mock her for running away with Anon at the end of my commentary, I think you established her motivations quick well. She is young, hates her life and even with some reservations, decided to that both she may have no other choice and took her chance with Anon. This character feels more real to me then a lot of OC's I have seen. For as much as one could mock it all as escapist fantasy, people forget that IRL, kids, teen girls, can run away and make stupid choices (Think of the song Young Turks and teen girls joing ISIS). There is a certain harmony with her. She's not some mixed colored secondary Mary Sue or damsel in distress but feels organic to the world with what details you established. Her name is perfect and I would find her incorporating her cutie mark in some way with her misadventures with Anon in crime to be interesting.

I say the same for the world as well. I like it how you put humans as a vague far off people in Equestria and even hinted at little details to this (Anon being more familiar with kirins then ponies). It is this sense of world building that I get from you. That you thought up on details of how this world and all these characters that makes me give some leeway with what I normally don't like, Anon and other self insert edgelord OC characters.