First of all I want to start of with the premise of my story and how I originally came up with it. My story is set in the Fall of Equestria universe, a universe in which Equestria is taken over by an EXTREMELY patriarchal race of Caribou/Reindeer, who seek to turn Equestria into a patriarchal dystopia in which mares are regard as little more than sexual objects. For the mares of this Equestria rape, slavery, torture, and humiliation are all daily occurrences that they have absolutely no hope of escaping. Virtually every stallion wether he be Caribou/Reindeer or Pony in this universe is a sex crazed sociopath with at least one or more mares/slaves who must follow his every command, without question, no matter how cruel or degrading, least she be punished.

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/201787/fall-of-equestria

My story asks one simple question. What if every stallion in this universe wasn’t a complete sociopath, who cares about nothing but obtaining as much pussy as possible, regardless of how many ponies he has to destroy? In every fan fiction I’ve read that revolves this universe literally every stallion is a complete sociopath who will do just about anything to a mare with absolutely no regard for her as a pony. This isn’t to say that every stallion is on a constant spree of rape and torture, (although many are) it’s just that none of them have any moral quarrels about occasionally raping one of mare or even beating. To them mares really are nothing more than objects to be used at their discretion. I personally find the idea that every stallion would act in such a manner to pure nonsense, which is why my story revolves around one of the few stallions who wishes to treat mares as ponies, and not sexual objects.

This stallion was an extremely influential noble prior to Equestrias fall who was lucky enough to be kept alive and used as a puppet in the ruling government. His position isn’t anywhere near as prestigious as it once was, but it’s far more than can be said of most of Equestrias prior nobles. He lives within Canterlot Castle in his own private room, and has near full reign of the castles grounds and services, so long as he doesn’t step out of line. Ever since the Fall he has watched on in horror as every pillar of decency and morality in his society has came tumbling down, too scared to protest, least he become the next victim of this new Equestria.

He had always tried to stay quite and do the bare minimum of what had to be done to keep himself alive and well off, but that all ended when he locked eyes with one mare, Octavia. He meets Octavia at a small garden concert where he finds himself enchanted by the soft sound of her cello. After each performance every mare is trotted out onto stage individually, and made to present themselves for rent to the crowd of hungry stallions. Just like any other concert shortly after showing herself off Octavia is bought up by young stallion, but this time rather than being rented out, she’s been permanently bought.

Octavia expecting to be treated by this stallion just she’s been treated by any other since the Fall, has to get over her conditioning, and hopefully one day view said stallion as a stallion, rather than an abuser or rapist, and herself as a mare, rather than a cheap slut. And the stallion has to struggle to act like a proper gentlecolt, treating Octavia not only as a mare, but as the marefriend he intends to swear his undying love to, in a world that expects the exact opposite of him. Any stallion in this world that is overly sympathetic to mares, especially those who try to completely shelter them from the hell-scape that Equestria has become in this regard are viewed as no better than the mares they sympathise with, and are therefore neutered and treated as such, along with their mare(s) being treated to even worse atrocities than before. Essentially in this world, while lust between mares and stallions has never been more powerful, love is completely outlawed.

Because of these expectations the two can only truly treat other as ponies, or rather as lovers in private, while in public they have to adhere to the proper expectations, least their fates become far worse than ever before. Can a stallion stay loyal and true to his mare when he is forced to degrade, abuse, and treat her as little more than a common slut in public, as well as going on the occasion orgy or cheating spree with his fellow stallions? Would he be a coward for not doing so and therefore putting his mares life at risk? And how can a mare such as Octavia expect to stay pure of heart and body when after all she has went through, she must suffer more abuse and humiliation at the hoof of the stallion she loves? How can she truly love such stallion, even if what he does is out of pure necessity?

I plan to break all of this into four main arches. The first arch will setup the basic plot, backstory, introduce some of the main characters, and expand a little on the lore of the world, as well as being the arch where our two main characters first meet. This arch will also revolve around Octavia and many of the mares she works alongside careers as professional classic musicians, and of course, as sex slaves, completely merciless to their owner or owners of the night. While this arch will mainly focus on Octavia, our stallion of choices daily life in Canterlot Castle as seemingly the only stallion in Equestria with any reverence towards mares will also get a few generous paragraphs.

The second arch will begin as soon our stallion buys Octavia and brings her back to his room. This will mainly revolve both of our characters relationship with one another, and breaking down some of the expectations that they have both become so accustomed to in this strange new Equestria. Octavia will not only have learn to act and most importantly view herself as the dignified, well cultured intelligent, and beautiful mare she once was, rather than the cum dumpster that would obediently and happily spread her hind legs and rise her tail for any number of stallions to runt her various holes at will that she had became, she would also have trust her master, and begin to view him more as a lover, than a slave peddler. With the stallion being given the difficult task of setting up these expectations, and then delivering on them, under the threat of slavery and emasculation if anypony were to even suspect that he wasn’t treating his mare as a virtual sex toy.

The third Arch will begin sometime around when these two get past their prejudices, start to form their loving relationship, and Octavia learns to view herself as the mare she once was. While some aspects of this may blend into the later half of the second arch, this one will mainly revolve the breaking of trust, as the world they live in begins to truly try on their relationship. Octavia will slowly begin to find out that her lover wasn’t acting much better than any other stallion while he was outside of their room, and she will eventually face such abuse and humiliation first hoof, as her stallion tries to balance his deep love for her, with his paranoia of not keeping up expectations and therefore being found out, which can lead him willingly into some pretty abhorrent situations. He will have to find a way to justify, and make up for his previous actions to the mare he cares about so deeply, while continuing to carry them out, to keep up appearances.

The final act will revolve around the growing suspicion towards him and Octavia. And said suspicion will force both characters to compensate, by willingly, and occasionally even being forced into extremely harsh and degrading situations to prove themselves as being no different, and no less deviant than anypony else around them. Both characters will essentially be forced to drop all of the development and strife they went through, to degrade themselves further than ever and become exactly what they were trying to escape, just to survive. Although everything they went through wasn’t futile, as for whenever they’re in their room they can freely express their love for each other, learning to leave whatever happens on the other side of that door where it belongs.

Also, post horse pussy, please. (I tried, but I keep getting an error whenever I try to post an image. Worked with the OP, doesn’t work with normal posts for whatever reason.)>>4725

>>4725
>>4726
>>4727
>reads synopsis of story.
2 kinky 4 me.

Well... uh... that sounds far from anything that I could get through, but still cool that you posted thread and I'll try to give feed back to what is here so far to best of my ability.

> In every fan fiction I’ve read that revolves this universe literally every stallion is a complete sociopath who will do just about anything to a mare with absolutely no regard for her as a pony. This isn’t to say that every stallion is on a constant spree of rape and torture, (although many are) it’s just that none of them have any moral quarrels about occasionally raping one of mare or even beating. To them mares really are nothing more than objects to be used at their discretion. I personally find the idea that every stallion would act in such a manner to pure nonsense, which is why my story revolves around one of the few stallions who wishes to treat mares as ponies, and not sexual objects.
So your trying to put a slight rational spin to a universe you consider irrationally depraved? Never heard of Fall of Equestria but it could still be treading a bit of new ground in a slightly higher tier way. Think of a Conversion Bureau fic that just has thee humans win (simple subversion sometimes to the opposite extreme) to a fic with a pony human conflict actually has nuance most in my opinion even here still mess up the rational implications of their exist to each other but that's a topic for another time . Your putting a bit of nuance even if it's small, so that'd be a plus in my opinion.

>(I tried, but I keep getting an error whenever I try to post an image. Worked with the OP, doesn’t work with normal posts for whatever reason.)
Was it a 500 flood detected error? If you're on a ip that has to be block bypassed or on tor/i2p there is a 2 minuet waiting period between when can you post with images and that doesn't affect text posting. Well, sometimes, sometimes I have gotten when with text but normally I do. Otherwise it could just be endchan freaking out again, though I haven't had any problems since the last migration.

>>4734
>2 kinky 4 me.
I’m glad that you enjoyed it.

>that sounds far from anything that I could get through,
To be honest this is an idea that I’ve had floating around in my head for a good 6 months. I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually, but I’ve been saying that for 6 months.

>Your putting a bit of nuance even if it's small, so that'd be a plus in my opinion.
Thank you Anon, good feedback!

>Was it a 500 flood detected error?
No page just reloads whenever I try to insert a picture in the file box. It’s not important, I’m just a bit disappointed that I can’t post my happy poners.

>>4727
The reason why you haven't seen it is because most people writing this stuff would literally be unable to control their boners while writing it if it is their kink and those who could would be too disgusted with what kinky fetishes. I guess that makes it in a slightly original territory.

>>4735
>To be honest this is an idea that I’ve had floating around in my head for a good 6 months. I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually, but I’ve been saying that for 6 months.
If you can put your thinking cap on maybe. Then again I've been saying I'd post a grand crossover story on /b/ for th past six months and I haven't either. Hate to say I'm in th same boat with a brony kink writter.

>I’m glad that you enjoyed it.
Depending on which anon it is I think he may be legitimate in not enjoying stuff like that.

>No page just reloads whenever I try to insert a picture in the file box. It’s not important, I’m just a bit disappointed that I can’t post my happy poners.
Weird lemme do a test.

>>4736
my image went through.

so, let´s see what you want to bring onto the table with your ideas:

>>4725
>set in the Fall of Equestria universe, a universe in which Equestria is taken over by an EXTREMELY patriarchal race of Caribou/Reindeer, who seek to turn Equestria into a patriarchal dystopia in which mares are regard as little more than sexual objects.
>Virtually every stallion wether he be Caribou/Reindeer or Pony in this universe is a sex crazed sociopath with at least one or more mares/slaves who must follow his every command, without question, no matter how cruel or degrading, least she be punished.
phew lad, we have a pretty strong start. That escalated quickly. Boy, what a twisted setup.

>What if every stallion in this universe wasn’t a complete sociopath, who cares about nothing but obtaining as much pussy as possible, regardless of how many ponies he has to destroy?
it´s actually possible but keep in mind that you are taking that concept off from those rules. It can quickly deviate to more miserable things than that with so much ease that ufff, it´s certainly complicated to establish to mark his own limits.Asking for common sense in a sick society mostly leads to a decadent permanent chaos but it´s still possible.

>personally find the idea that every stallion would act in such a manner to pure nonsense, which is why my story revolves around one of the few stallions who wishes to treat mares as ponies, and not sexual objects.
it´s obvious that this little difference leads to a better excuse and an interesting point of view. However, your NSFW story might lead more to a social commentary than accomplishing the fetish at certain parts of the story.

>Ever since the Fall he has watched on in horror as every pillar of decency and morality in his society has came tumbling down, too scared to protest, least he become the next victim of this new Equestria.
I swear I have (sort of) read this aspect of morality around a certain story posted on this board....

>Essentially in this world, while lust between mares and stallions has never been more powerful, love is completely outlawed.
if changelings were evil, they would serve as a counter balance towards this norm.

>>4727
>The first arch will setup the basic plot, backstory, introduce some of the main characters, and expand a little on the lore of the world, as well as being the arch where our two main characters first meet. This arch will also revolve around Octavia and many of the mares she works alongside careers as professional classic musicians
alright, it makes sense that you follow this pattern so far

>rather than the cum dumpster that would obediently and happily spread her hind legs and rise her tail for any number of stallions to runt her various holes at will that she had became, she would also have trust her master, and begin to view him more as a lover, than a slave peddler. With the stallion being given the difficult task of setting up these expectations, and then delivering on them, under the threat of slavery and emasculation if anypony were to even suspect that he wasn’t treating his mare as a virtual sex toy.
there is a lot of logic applied to this story of crazy stallions. How ironic and I don´t know if this serves more to those who want the fetish to be the central part of the story (the peak of personal pleasure by reading this) or if you are featuring NSFW content as an excuse to make a social commentary with these two modes of living their lives.

>Octavia will slowly begin to find out that her lover wasn’t acting much better than any other stallion while he was outside of their room,
before reading this line, one should have expected that when everyone is crazy, having someone who doesn´t follow that route mustn´t be a much better choice to pick out there either.

>He will have to find a way to justify, and make up for his previous actions to the mare he cares about so deeply, while continuing to carry them out, to keep up appearances.
the fetish part is gone and it becomes a dramatic love story

>to degrade themselves further than ever and become exactly what they were trying to escape, just to survive.
you know, there is a moment in which the sexual content might not sound as wicked as this plot because sweet mother of Celestia, it´s more fucked than the ancient societies from our past.

To sum it up, it sounds like you have watched a harem anime or something and you have given a really fucked up context to introduce this pairing. I believe that the love story from 1984 had a little bit of room to breathe in its dystopia but damn, your ideas sound like you want to reach the next level in order to drown yourself into NSFW acts.

>post horse pussy, please. (I tried, but I keep getting an error whenever I try to post an image. Worked with the OP, doesn’t work with normal posts for whatever reason.
I could but I tend to post SFW content for the most part. The best NSFW content to see is on Derpi, posting in on her would be like picking my favorite images

>>4734
>2 kinky 4 me.
this
>So your trying to put a slight rational spin to a universe you consider irrationally depraved?
but that additional slight sense of logic doesn´t lead to much better results even though the problems both protagonists sound really plausible because of their interactions.

>>4735
>this is an idea that I’ve had floating around in my head for a good 6 months.
I´ve had ideas for a fic for an entire year yet nothing has been transferred into actual content so far. The setup is indeed far more twisted than one would get from an average NSFW event.

I am not all that interested in this territory not because it might not work but because of this line: "Watching a porn movie because of its plot".

As you have typed, it sounds like it´s in reverse: social commentary about an hypersexualized society that follows absolutely twisted standards into it. NSFW stories can be actually interesting but keep in mind that you are posponing the fetish that your audience might be looking for. This is more an observation and to certain question about what kind of users you want to have for your fic: the NSFW ones or those who are looking for weird setups.

>I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually
sometimes the best material is created in two days or in a pretty short period in which you cannot get rid of those ideas until you type them in order to get them out of your head.... that happened to me last year,true story

>No page just reloads whenever I try to insert a picture in the file box
I´ve had those problems as well. My biggest recommendation is that you copy the text (just in case) and refresh the page several times.

>>4736
>The reason why you haven't seen it is because most people writing this stuff would literally be unable to control their boners while writing it
that might sound like a disadvantage but I am telling you that there is a moment when you have seen so much NSFW content that you take it as an usual thins instead of a taboo topic. You manage to tell where the images actually cause some excitement and which ones don´t (and I am not joking)

Besides, that reasons could actually becomes a factor of that NSFW creation: there is an excitement and pleasure by making it. Even if one would stop by thinking about it for personal pleasure, it could encourage the author to transmit that fetish to others even if it´s disgusting for most viewers who are not fond with it

>it is their kink and those who could would be too disgusted with what kinky fetishes.
indeed

>I guess that makes it in a slightly original territory.
I might not know how the NSFW stuff goes on FIMFiction nor what the most popular trends happen to dominate the site but it´s certainly a really twisted setup that one doesn´t manage to see that often. That alone makes it to stand out even though mixing grimdark stuff with sex is the best combination to throw all the +18 stuff for a single piece.

>Depending on which anon it is I think he may be legitimate in not enjoying stuff like that.
not him >>4734
I have had an interesting read from his synopsis and I am sincerely not really invested into these kinds of stories because they all tend to do the same and I don´t think that those who are looking for sexual stuff are asking for a really twisted fantasy in order to enjoy that fetish. He has had to write this story in almost like a SFW one would do but by having a sexual theme from its core.

>my image went through.
mine as well.

>>4726
> Can a stallion stay loyal and true to his mare when he is forced to degrade, abuse, and treat her as little more than a common slut in public, as well as going on the occasion orgy or cheating spree with his fellow stallions? Would he be a coward for not doing so and therefore putting his mares life at risk? And how can a mare such as Octavia expect to stay pure of heart and body when after all she has went through, she must suffer more abuse and humiliation at the hoof of the stallion she loves?
Is he the only in such position? Is it a deconstruction? Or is it a slight different angle to porn? Is it both? Those are all questions you should ask. If it is just porn with a plot on the side I can't really offer much feedback as I am a very old fashioned person and don't view the online realm as a place I feel comfortable disusing such matters. I try to offer feedback to it as a story however.

>>>>4726
>The first arch will setup the basic plot, backstory, introduce some of the main characters, and expand a little on the lore of the world, as well as being the arch where our two main characters first meet.
Sounds like a pretty normal set up. Not much to say here.

>This will mainly revolve both of our characters relationship with one another, and breaking down some of the expectations that they have both become so accustomed to in this strange new Equestria. Octavia will not only have learn to act and most importantly view herself as the dignified, well cultured intelligent, and beautiful mare she once was
This act could be the most critical act. As it would be the place where actual character development begins. One of the biggest flaws of fics in my opinion is these sections where a lot of fics have messed up in the past. For example, in most crossover fics the period between set up of the condition and the Ponies meeting X group often is written in a very utilitarian manner. Have them meet get used to each other and then go on the adventure as friends, it ruins the whole aspect of the crossover as two sides interacting that should be very freaked out over each other's existence even if they have to work together and not be already used to each other. Same can be said with fics where a pony is starts at a very disadvantaged position and then five chapters laters the main character is already getting some of the vengeance she desires against the evil bossy crime pony. Basically what I am saying in so many words is that this part should be a slower more stretched out process as opposed to be something you have get done as quickly as possible to a pay off as it make the story's pay off feel stronger and it could emphisize that little bit of nusance that I mentioned eariler just moments ago.

>The third Arch will begin sometime around when these two get past their prejudices, start to form their loving relationship, and Octavia learns to view herself as the mare she once was. While some aspects of this may blend into the later half of the second arch, this one will mainly revolve the breaking of trust
I don't have as much experience with relenship drama and this is primarily that. On it's face it sounds simple "finding out about X partners dark past" that I've seen in lots of media but I don't have enough experience here to really give out critiques to the relationship itself.

>Although everything they went through wasn’t futile, as for whenever they’re in their room they can freely express their love for each other, learning to leave whatever happens on the other side of that door where it belongs.
Will the nuance be nurtured or will it be a typical "lovers against the world"? On it's face it sounds like it could be brought in several directions but it alone I'm not sure I can say much positive or negative on the ending Other than the fact that the world sure sucks and I'm not sure one would consider it either a happy ending or a tragedy.

>>4750
>>4751
Note: wrote this all last night but was so tired I wanted to edit it and it was riddled with errors. In fact I can spot some that I missed. Oh well.

>>4743
>>4744
>>4745
Hey, looks like me and L23's thoughts ended up covering two separate sides albeit his a bit more detailed. Me treating it as a story and offering what I can in advise and L23 asking more meta questions on what exactly it's nature is and questioning if it can be with even carrot dash chiming in!

>>4736
>unable to control their boners while writing
I’ve written clop in the past, it’s as hard as you think. In fact being horny can actually help you with your writing. I’ve known some people who only write when they’re horny because that’s when they write their best stuff.

>too disgusted with what kinky fetishes.
I wouldn’t write about something I’m not into, but no doubt there will be a few kinks in there that I’m indifferent to.

>>4737
>my image went through.
Weird, still doesn’t work for me.

>>4743
>phew lad, we have a pretty strong start.
As I said this concept isn’t mine, so I can’t take any credit for it. I’m not even necessarily a “big fan” of the Fall of Equestria Universe, the unrealistic plot of most of these stories just set off my autism.

>However, your NSFW story might lead more to a social commentary than accomplishing the fetish at certain parts of the story.
That’s kind of the whole point. It’s supposed to be a romantic story written in an extremely dark setting. Obviously the NSFW aspects of the story are going to be extremely central to the plot, but they aren’t going to be the driving force behind the story, if that makes any sense.

>if changelings were evil, they would serve as a counter balance towards this norm.
I haven’t thought about including any non/ponies into this story. In fact while The Fall of Equestria revolves around the Caribou/Reindeer I was personally thinking of cutting them out of the story altogether, instead subsisting them with a group of radical stallions.

I really don’t like the inclusion of non-pony characters in the show or fandom as a whole. I miss season 1-2 when all we had was cute little poners, not even a changling in sight.

>>4744
>I don´t know if this serves more to those who want the fetish to be the central part of the story (the peak of personal pleasure by reading this) or if you are featuring NSFW content as an excuse to make a social commentary with these two modes of living their lives.
Again the later. A lot of the NSFW stuff, especially the more kinky stuff is more of a plot point, rather than the whole plot.

>I believe that the love story from 1984 had a little bit of room to breathe in its dystopia but damn, your ideas sound like you want to reach the next level in order to drown yourself into NSFW acts.
I imagine that things are nowhere near as extreme for the average Equestrian, but this story is set in the heart of the beast, within Canterlot Castle where the rulers of this society and it’s culture are most prominent. Also the proportion of NSFW content will probably be a lot smaller than you would think. It’ll probably only constitute 20-33% of the story, but we’ll have to see.

>>4745
>”Watching a porn movie because of its plot".
It’s not porn, it just so happens to have a lot within it. There’s a subtle, but important difference.

>This is more an observation and to certain question about what kind of users you want to have for your fic: the NSFW ones or those who are looking for weird setups.
I plan to just include tags on the chapters that have NSFW work content within them, so people can just skip to the fun stuff if that’s all they’re interested in. Although personally I only read “clop” stories that have good plots, or at least setups. I don’t know why, but pure clop-fic with little to no plot just don’t interest me. I surely can’t be the only one.

>sometimes the best material is created in two days
My story is going to be at least 100,000 to 200,000 words long, so it’ll probably take [i]a lot[/i] longer than two days, even under tge best of circumstances.

>My biggest recommendation is that you copy the text (just in case) and refresh the page several times.
I tried that, unfortunately it didn't work. But thanks for the advice regardless.

>>4750
>Is he the only in such position?
No, and it is possible that I could include other other stallions like him into the story, we’ll have to see how things go, but I’ll at least make reference to them.

>If it is just porn with a plot on the side
It’s actually the opposite. It’s a tragic romance with really kinky clop on the side.

>>4751
>This act could be the most critical act. As it would be the place where actual character development begins.
Yeah, I was planning on making this one of my biggest acts, probably second out of the four. Despite all the kinky sex my story is going to be heavily character driven, so I’ll really want to flesh this out as much as possible. There’ll probably only be one or two clop scenes in the whole of this arch, one at the end between Octavia and her stallion, and possibly a filler clop between other characters in the story.

>it ruins the whole aspect of the crossover as two sides interacting that should be very freaked out over each other's existence even if they have to work together and not be already used to each other.
You basically just described every bad HIE fic ever. Although I don’t see how this applies to my story, my story isn’t a crossover, and the ponies within it have become accustom to this world over a decent period of time.

>Basically what I am saying in so many words is that this part should be a slower more stretched out process
I wouldn’t worry about that. I have a bad habit of including [i]a lot[/i] of detail into my stories, and then coming back to edit them by squeezing even more words in.

>Will the nuance be nurtured or will it be a typical "lovers against the world"?
The main thrust of the story is largely the conflict between Octavia and her stallion, so I’d hardly call it a “lovers against the world fic.” You could say the ending works out that way because of pure necessity on their part, but even then I imagine that suspicion and fear will still persist, even if they manage to live with it together.

>I’m not sure one would consider it either a happy ending or a tragedy.
It’s a mix of the two.

>>4752
>I wanted to edit it and it was riddled with errors.
Don’t worry I didn’t notice any errors and I certainly make a lot myself.
I imagine that like me you’re just paranoid about ot. The brain naturally reads over errors, (as long as their minor) so the change is that no one but you will notice them.

(Still can’t post images.)

>>4754
>My story is going to be at least 100,000 to 200,000 words long, so it’ll probably take [i]a lot[/i] longer than two days, even under tge best of circumstances.
This is some A-grade autism. If you ever get that going I may track it just to see you pull it off!
https://endchan.net/.static/posting.html

>I really don’t like the inclusion of non-pony characters in the show or fandom as a whole. I miss season 1-2 when all we had was cute little poners, not even a changling in sight.
??? Dis sound weird to someone not familiar with the show
Are they slowly replacing the poners or something?

>>4751
>Basically what I am saying in so many words is that this part should be a slower more stretched out process as opposed to be something you have get done as quickly as possible to a pay off as it make the story's pay off feel stronger and it could emphisize that little bit of nusance that I mentioned eariler just moments ago.
This is the best advice given in this thread so far. I tell you that all the non pony fics that I have enjoyed have had slow build up with some subtly.

>>4755
>(Still can’t post images.)
???
i still can.

>>4752
>L23 asking more meta questions on what exactly it's nature is and questioning if it can be
eeeyup I have asked those questions mostly because I didn´t know where the author wanted to land with this concept

>As I said this concept isn’t mine, so I can’t take any credit for it. I’m not even necessarily a “big fan” of the Fall of Equestria Universe, the unrealistic plot of most of these stories just set off my autism.
well, whatever you feel like writing at the moment, otherwise it can become quite complicated to write about stuff by forcing yourself. Still, it´s nice to be humble about not being the one who has created the universe. I will say that the universe is alive because of those who care about it despite not having the ownership, so to an extent you are guilty that is still relevant in some way.

>It’s supposed to be a romantic story written in an extremely dark setting. Obviously the NSFW aspects of the story are going to be extremely central to the plot, but they aren’t going to be the driving force behind the story, if that makes any sense.
>A lot of the NSFW stuff, especially the more kinky stuff is more of a plot point, rather than the whole plot.

that´s what I wanted to hear. Alright then, I know where you are going with this one. It has a lot of merit that you want to take it to a higher level in the narrative so it doesn´t only stay in a level of degeneracy but also accomplishing the standards of a proper story with this development. I appreciate that gesture from yours even though I admit that is even more complicated to appeal to an audience than writing a SFW story directly (as far as I am concerned)

>It’s not porn, it just so happens to have a lot within it. There’s a subtle, but important difference.
yeah I know but most of the time, when sex is involved, it normally takes the route for appealing the fetishists with a complementary story, nothing else. However, I do know that women get more excited by reading books of dominant males than watching a picture/video about the act itself.

>this story is set in the heart of the beast, within Canterlot Castle where the rulers of this society and it’s culture are most prominent. Also the proportion of NSFW content will probably be a lot smaller than you would think. It’ll probably only constitute 20-33% of the story, but we’ll have to see.
this means that you can add layers like how corrupt the rulers are, how the system works, etc....yeah, you are going to have a lot of material to write about with that premise.

>I plan to just include tags on the chapters that have NSFW work content within them, so people can just skip to the fun stuff if that’s all they’re interested in.
alright, nice organization there

>Although personally I only read “clop” stories that have good plots, or at least setups. I don’t know why, but pure clop-fic with little to no plot just don’t interest me. I surely can’t be the only one.
I get why the setups for explaining a NSFW picture expand the emotion of feeling it, slowly building up until the climax (with a proper narrative that makes enough sense) but yeah, I agree with your words. Clop-fics are just a little bit of waste of time and honestly, one would rather use other sites or spend that time drawing it than reading it. Still, I am not all that invested in that part nor I do not know how the trends work on FIMFiction but I suppose that you can find fics of all kinds right there.

>My story is going to be at least 100,000 to 200,000 words long, so it’ll probably take [i]a lot[/i] longer than two days
daaaaaaaaaamn lad, that´s quite long and definitely you cannot write all that stuff in just one single weekend (unless you spend 7 or 8 hours completely dedicated to it). You have to be quite passionate to write that, I don´t feel like going that far and most likely, I would go in parts.

>I tried that, unfortunately it didn't work.
try with a normal Derpibooru image (png or jpg) and try again because it should work.

>>4756
>This is some A-grade autism.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Dkq7WZTzkLQ [Embed]

But seriously, I’ve read fan fictions that are five times as long. 100,000-200,000 is average for what I read.

>Dis sound weird to someone not familiar with the show
>Are they slowly replacing the poners or something?
Basically everything this guy said >>4760

It only got really bad post season 7. Just under half of season 8’s episodes are mainly focused on non-pony characters, and a lot of the other episodes still have non-pony characters playing some role. These 6 https://youtube.com/watch?v=nOw-c9gpQUc [Embed] were brought in at the premiere of season 8, and since then they have been pretty prominent, being some of the most important, if not most important characters in both the season 8 premier and finale. Changelings, Dragons, etc have also been given a far more prominent role.

They’ve started to use phrases like “everycreature” instead of everypony to be more inclusive. https://youtube.com/watch?v=cf3fde24SwY [Embed] Basically the shows old writers left and they were replaced by SJW’s who couldn’t care less about the shows past, using it to push their diversity agenda. Many of the episodes featuring non-ponies are blatant propaganda.

>>4759
>I will say that the universe is alive because of those who care about it despite not having the ownership, so to an extent you are guilty that is still relevant in some way.
Thank you!

>I appreciate that gesture from yours even though I admit that is even more complicated to appeal to an audience than writing a SFW story directly
Again, thank you!

>However, I do know that women get more excited by reading books of dominant males than watching a picture/video about the act itself.
Weird, I’m much the same. I’ve always found that reading a good romantic fic gets me way more horny than looking at any picture of pony pussy.

>this means that you can add layers like how corrupt the rulers are, how the system works, etc....
That’s obviously going to be an important part of my story, but I don’t plan to invest too much time into it. My story is mainly character driven, building a fleshed out consistent world around that is essential if I want to keep things grounded and realistic, but I don’t want to lose track of the stories actual plot. In my opinion the best world building should happen naturally within your already existing plot, you shouldn’t need to devote whole sections of your story just to world building, there’s usually a good way you can work it into the plot.

>Clop-fics are just a little bit of waste of time and honestly, one would rather use other sites or spend that time drawing it than reading it.
I find it extremely hard to get invested into a clop-fic unless it contains good characters, preferably with some nice romance. I personally love reading it, but I can’t read pure clop, there has to be some kind of plot or interesting set of characters revolving around it, and there rarely is in a clop-fic.

>daaaaaaaaaamn lad, that´s quite long and definitely you cannot write all that stuff in just one single weekend
Who said anything about a weekend? I was planning on writing it out over months.

>>4760
>damn and changelings were added in season 2.
My bad, I thought they were introduced in the season 3 premiere, not the season two finale.

>Just curious, when did you stop watching the show and in which season?
Early season 2. I’ve been autisticly obsessed ever since. How about you Anon?

>>4765
I can embed videos, but I can’t upload pictures.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=K7clmgKj3-g [Embed]

>My story is going to be at least 100,000 to 200,000 words long,
This more planed out than I thought. I have more to say later (also on the show as well).

>>4766
I don't understand why you can't post pictures. Could it be something like you be selectly partily block? Is it only on this board? Are you using Tor or i2p? which I have used with no problem so I understand.

>>4771
>Is it only on this board?
No, unfortunately it’s every board.

>Are you using Tor or i2p?
No, I have Tor but I only use it for sites that have good .onion alternatives or are exclusively .onion sites, E.G. The Daily Stormer and Nanonchan. Does this site have an .onion alternative? That may actually help.

>>4772
Yes they have several options. You can scroll down from the front page to see them all. I could laugh and call you a newfag but in truth how many people would just explore the front page rather then jumping from link to link to the boards they find most relevant to their interests . Besides one could call me that for how little I know of some in areas related to here too.
http://s6424n4x4bsmqs27.onion/

>No, unfortunately it’s every board.
That just confuses me. I don't know why it would do that unless you had really sucky Internet that eats your images but you'd probably be having that elsewhere.

>>4765
>Basically the shows old writers left and they were replaced by SJW’s who couldn’t care less about the shows past, using it to push their diversity agenda. Many of the episodes featuring non-ponies are blatant propaganda.
I don't see a grand organized agenda with season 8. I see several interests and intentions pushing and pulling on the show. I do think Neighsay was at least partly conceived a reaction to the writers having their jammies rustled by Trump's victory and the increased partisan environment, but even here it is the most lightest cream of on top of the democrat partisan pie. If he had been played straight as a villain then yes, that would be blatant. The fact they made him redeemed may actually count as a SJW sin, as it ruined him as a stand in for orange man. Student 6 on their own didn't really go past the same vague "Racism is bad" messaging that the show has already done. I think the political angle was more of a subtext that was an influence rather than a context that was blatant in your face. Cozy Glow and her realization that friendship = power and could be weapon was the bigger thing in the final of season 8 with the Neighsay learning that the other races aren't bad/a threat being a secondary lesson. I'd call it blatant propaganda if Nieghsay had been the villain and they made other stand ins as figureheads for a evil right wing view who all got beaten by the student 6 with the perhaps mane 6 themselves finding out that they were a bit racist themselves . I just consider it an influence that was there but not realized to much of anywhere. Can you still be mad at that? Sure. everycreature is just stupid .Writters on twitter saying "we really showed Drumpf there" is just idiot framing.

You know what I do consider closer to blatant propaganda? Using Dragons as a stand in for racial police issues and having an election with Filthy Rich as stand in for Trump and Mayor Mare for Hillery in the comics. Also, I consider the framing by SJW and some /POL/ reactions that happened around Scootaloo's aunts to be worse than anything that happened in S8. Though right now I just I'm tired of politics and wouldn't want to derail the thread. I'm just offering my two bits.

>>4782
https://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/04/its-dangerous-business-going-out-your.html
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/182859/its-a-dangerous-business-going-out-your-door
fimfic and eqd links.

>>4780
>I could laugh and call you a newfag
I’m a 8chan /pone/ refugee. Ha ha, I actually made this thread the day after the site was shut down. I was going to make it the day before when I originally got the idea for it, but I couldn’t be bothered, and then I obviously heard that the site was being shut down. I upload it to /mlpol/ and /mlp/ instead. I didn’t know about this place up until a few weeks ago, and then I remembered that I saved this thread in a document.

>>4781
>blatant propaganda
I don’t know if you’d call it “blatant propaganda,” but I don’t think you can doubt the fact that the inclusion of non-pony characters in Equestria changes not only the tone of the show, but Equestria itself. It seems like everything is being bent out of place to accommodate them when they have no rightful place in the story to begin with, especially the student 6, most of which hardly even have a character worth talking about.

>>4782
>My biggest problem with the setting isn't the presence of other races as much as the breakdown of distance between places.
I’d agree with this. My problem isn’t necessarily the inclusion of other races in the show itself, but in Equestria. For example I enjoyed the handful of episodes that explored places like Griffonstone and the Dragonlands, but there’s a big difference between the odd adventure themed world building episode, and inviting non-pony characters into the main cast, by creating a whole Friendship School just for them. Phrases like “everycreature” only rub the problem in ones face.

>Some of the season 1 era fics have an especially interesting feel. We knew so little of the world then and it just feels so interesting to read them and see what little lines we run with and what small implications we had.
This is 90% of the reason why I hate season 8 and 9 so much. Season 9 actually had a lot of really great episodes, but it might as well have been titled “season 9, the ultimate destroyer of fanon,” and from what I’ve heard of the finale it only gets worse. It ruins countless possibilities for future fan-fictions and makes a lot of older fan-factions irrelevant. Especially at the end of the series this is the last thing I want to see, it’ll stiffen any future fan content as a whole.

>black alicorn OC.
No, I was thinking of creating some kind of extremist political group, with Unicorn as their leader, who knows, possibly even Blueblood.

>I've dived into about 100,000 to 300,000 but I don't think I've ever completed the million word plus club, only peaked.
The longest I’ve read was either the Griffon The Griffon series, or A Wolf Among Ponies, which are both about 700,000 words long.

>Funnest stories, though I'm thinking more of adventure fics here, that I've had is when the world feels big and the character was exploring it but not going through world building manically,
This series is by far the best world building series I’ve ever read. Introduces completely original concepts and creatures and actually fleshes them out naturally, (the mechanics, logic, culture, etc, it delves into everything, and does it without distracting you from the story) as well as building on the shows own concepts. I highly Suggest you at least read the first fic, and of course I’ll look through your links.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/12350/griffin-the-griffin

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/59466/falling-feathers

>>4786
>I’m a 8chan /pone/ refugee. Ha ha, I actually made this thread the day after the site was shut down.
I meant more in a newfag to endchan over a newfag to imageboards in general. if you posted pre our migration then you are technically hyper oldfag by /endpone/ standards
assuming the thread earlier was you.

>. It seems like everything is being bent out of place to accommodate them when they have no rightful place in the story to begin with, especially the student 6, most of which hardly even have a character worth talking about.
I'm withholding my full judgment on them to the end, so I'll get back to you on this one.

>but there’s a big difference between the odd adventure themed world building episode, and inviting non-pony characters into the main cast, by creating a whole Friendship School just for them.
Also this too I'll be back on after processing the final myself.

>Season 9 actually had a lot of really great episodes, but it might as well have been titled “season 9, the ultimate destroyer of fanon,”
I remember some hate both joking and serious around season 4 with a similar angle. It's something I feel is partly going to happen in any story that goes on long but there is a partial aspect where I agree with you. Though ironically the biggest part of hate on the final from on the one spoiler I saw I'd say maybe opposite of destruction of fannon.

>No, I was thinking of creating some kind of extremist political group, with Unicorn as their leader, who knows, possibly even Blueblood.
I wasn't saying that your idea was black alicorn OC tier, I was saying that the if the Caribou carried that kind of edgy stigma then it could be a good idea to switch them.

>I highly Suggest you at least read the first fic,
One the one hand it looks like something I'd avoid and or only read out of passive curiosity but sure I'll check it out (had to git those high marks from doing something right).

> and of course I’ll look through your links.
They are just both links to the same fic. It really is more of an example of the feel of the old season 1/early season 2 days then something I was recommendation.

>The longest I’ve read was either the Griffon The Griffon series, or A Wolf Among Ponies, which are both about 700,000 words long.
Seems like I may have read a couple of series that are around that length. Longest individual fics have usually been around 300.000 to 400.000 at least from what I can recall.

Whats the worst mlp fic any of you three have read?
I like shit
POLS, because that is what you do here and bumping if I remember

>>4765
>SJW’s who couldn’t care less about the shows past, using it to push their diversity agenda. Many of the episodes featuring non-ponies are blatant propaganda.
what do you mean by propaganda? Unless it´s some globalist topic that you want to draw a conspiracy,I don´t think the students come into play as propaganda because they could have gone really cheap with them.

You are right that it´s got really bad on season 8...in the sense that Non Compete Clause is the worst episode of that season which features the students.I am giving you that.

But,explain to me why I do cherish and have What Lies Beneath and A Heart´s Warming Club as highlights, which feature them as protagonists as well? Besides the "everycreature" forced expression (which by the way was used by Fluttershy in several episodes and those times were not aimed at the students exactly when she said it),can you tell me anything else that can be seen as explicit propaganda?

It´s okay to have negative opinions towards them but I see that this fanbase forgets things quickly. The students are just an easy target to point out (the hottest new thing from the show) in order to say that the past material was good and the most recent one is bad (which I am tired of that trend but fortunately enough, Star Light´s redemption, the changelings drama in season 6 and Twilicorn have cooled down and become towards the noisy complaints).

But if that wasn´t enough, both part of the fanbase (its /pol/ side mostly) and the show staff (on Twitter) made the introduction of Scootaloo´s aunts EVEN WORSE than the episode itself. While they were throwing shitposts at each other, they were looking at the finger pointing at the moon instead of the actual moon: the introduction of Scootaloo´s parents was actually the central problem and why it was really questionable to judge....and everyone was focusing on the aunts. It cost me more time to review The Last Crusade because of the additional drama than any other episodes focused on or featuring the students slightly. That moment, as far as I am concerned, was more embarrassing and explicitly political driven than the entirety of season 8 and you have proof of it in both threads, discussing these last two seasons and available for anyone to watch and discuss.


>I’ve always found that reading a good romantic fic gets me way more horny than looking at any picture of pony pussy.
well, that´s your own taste and I see where you are coming from.

>I don’t want to lose track of the stories actual plot. In my opinion the best world building should happen naturally within your already existing plot, you shouldn’t need to devote whole sections of your story just to world building, there’s usually a good way you can work it into the plot.
indeed and I am not going to deny that. I am simply lost at its settings so I would have to make an additional effort in order to understand it. That´s my personal gripe, nothing else.

>I personally love reading it, but I can’t read pure clop, there has to be some kind of plot or interesting set of characters revolving around it, and there rarely is in a clop-fic.
I agree with you on this one.

>I was planning on writing it out over months.
it was an irony. Of course one cannot get invested at writing that amount of words in such a short period of time.

>Early season 2.
I asked that because your comment towards the changeling have caught me my attention and it shows that...

>How about you Anon?
you haven´t spent as much time. It means that you have decided to be obsessed on fan content (and I have very little knowledge towards the trends of FIMFiction because I have cared more about the canon material first and then, play with the tools that the show offers.
You can see that there are two discussion threads about the show (seasons 8 and 9, all my reflections along with Bridgefag´s ones, are there for anyone to read.The only season that made me lose my faith at first was season 3 but S4 secured my loyalty towards this show. I haven´t felt that loss ever since.

>>4847
all I know is that everycreature sounds cringe and in the finsl I watched a purple horse become a tragic goddness or something

>>4847
*become irrelevant towards
fixed

>>4781
>blatant propaganda? Using Dragons as a stand in for racial police issues and having an election with Filthy Rich as stand in for Trump and Mayor Mare for Hillery in the comics. Also, I consider the framing by SJW and some /POL/ reactions that happened around Scootaloo's aunts to be worse than anything that happened in S8.
Thanks Bridgefag, thank you so much. Reviewing The Last Crusade was,well, an actual crusade for reviewing it because of that stupid noisy yet politically driven reactions from both parts. I had to review Between Dusk and Dawn and Rainbow Roadtrip first before getting into that episode properly. The comic,I simply didn´t pay attention to it nor it deserves to be seen on a high regard at all. I prefer focusing my time on Nightmare Knights or other interesting SOL stories/arcs rather than giving my attention to it. It doesn´t even deserve any fame, nor attention nor sales because of its intentions.

>Neighsay was at least partly conceived a reaction to the writers having their jammies rustled by Trump's victory and the increased partisan environment, but even here it is the most lightest cream of on top of the democrat partisan pie. If he had been played straight as a villain then yes, that would be blatant. The fact they made him redeemed may actually count as a SJW sin, as it ruined him as a stand in for orange man.
Neighsay played the role of looking like the main villain and one doesn´t get a solid ground of being one. Besides, he has appeared in the season 9´s finale as a main leader for unicorns so he was actually at the service of Celestia and Luna. He wasn´t an actual villain....but an actual rival/antagonist who wanted to prove that he was right in front of Twilight. He simply had to eat his words because of what we had seen in School Raze.

>didn't really go past the same vague "Racism is bad" messaging that the show has already done. I think the political angle was more of a subtext that was an influence rather than a context that was blatant in your face. Cozy Glow and her realization that friendship = power and could be weapon was the bigger thing in the final of season 8 with the Neighsay learning that the other races aren't bad/a threat being a secondary lesson.
Not to mention that Cozy Glow, despite expecting that she was evil, nobody expected that she came up with all those plans without even knowing Neighsay. The chancellor was another obstacle for her in the end and the actual racism/elitism came from the ponies instead of the obvious unicorn.
>I'd call it blatant propaganda if Nieghsay had been the villain and they made other stand ins as figureheads for a evil right wing view who all got beaten by the student 6 with the perhaps mane 6 themselves finding out that they were a bit racist themselves. I just consider it an influence that was there but not realized to much of anywhere.
The chancellor had a pretty reasonable point of view.One could say that he was like your average conservative BUT there were actual reasons to believe so. Ponies have been racist in the past (hello Briddle Gossip!) and he´s just a clear representation of those views. He had fears towards the other species and while hippogriffs and griffons didn´t have reasons to be treated with those thoughts, his reasons can be justified because of the attack from the changelings in Canterlot, the dragons menacing the ponies in the Dragon Lord´s race or the yaks almost declaring the war to the mane 6 in Party Pooped. So that SJW propaganda isn´t all that clear to me and it opened more about topics like racism,bureaucracy and diplomacy come into the discussion, entering into grey areas.In the end, he didn´t aim that far except for excluding the "pony education" to the students.

> everycreature is just stupid.Writters on twitter saying "we really showed Drumpf there" is just idiot framing.
considering that this show was created by a feminist who encouraged watching Ghostbusters 2016...those tweets that you mention are the usual standards that one can expect.

>>4786
>POLS, because that is what you do here and bumping if I remember
eeeyup because saying bump is sort of a joke in the small alt chans. Reporting yourself with that confirms that you have been lurking and that one is still there. It doesn´t come close to avatarfagging but one can guess who is who and the rest of the users know about who is replying or not.

>Whats the worst mlp fic any of you three have read?
Erm, I haven´t read any fics. Clop fics are just...there, just to appeal to fetishists so they are sort of average in that kind (it´s expected to know that beforehand).

We might have commented a lot about the other species (changeling, dragons,etc) but funnily enough, the worst race to write (by far) about in a fanfiction story are those who involve alicorns (a winged unicorn that has the magic of earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi combined), especially OCs. Alicorns are counted with the fingers of my hand in Equestria and there are truly cringy autistic pieces of those who create new alicorns for introducing themselves as the special ones. It´s the master race of everything, the pinnacle that everyone should desire in terms of power and boosted stats. You can guess where this might be going.

I am not an expert at all about the popular trends or styles of FIMFiction and I have admitted that in this thread but I have heard a lot of comments from fans that alicorns OCs offer really but really ""interesting"" stuff in the wrong sense.

The rest of the races/species might have cringy material as well but they don´t have the excuse of using the power as a plot device for driving the story forward. Alicorns are really easy to mess up with and it´s less likely to use them for a slice of life/down to earth story in comparison to the rest.

>>4854
*I haven´t read any fics
fuck,that´s a lie. I do have read a few NSFW but really specific moments and really short ones (so the image is well complemented and becomes more enjoyable for an extended time).

I have read a couple of SFW stories but basically, nothing sort of remarkable nor care to remember all that much.

I did read one (several times) about The Legend of Zelda that had around 80000 words back in 2012 though.

>>4844
I’m not really one for choosing “worsts” of anything, besides 9/10 times I simply won’t read a fic if I don’t like the first few chapters.

However I’d suggest checking out this fic, https://www.fimfiction.net/story/12350/griffin-the-griffin

>>4847
>what do you mean by propaganda?
Nothing in particular, just the general feel of some of the shows more recent episodes. The whole “everycreature” thing is only a symptom of that. She’s All Yak is a good example. While theirs nothing that’ll really jump out at you as propaganda, the way the main 6 constantly cuck for the student 6 and change certain aspects of the ball, like changing its name from The Fetlock-Fest to The Amity Ball is enough just to be noticed. I might not seem too severe, but it changes the tone of the shows world.

>The only season that made me lose my faith at first was season 3 but S4 secured my loyalty towards this show.
I was actually pleasantly surprised by the finale, not enough for me to fully forgive the shows recent changes, but I have to admit that it was quite good.

>>4851
>Thanks Bridgefag, thank you so much. Reviewing The Last Crusade was,well, an actual crusade for reviewing it because of that stupid noisy yet politically driven reactions from both parts.
Not only that, but Scootaloo's parents themselves were such a hard thing to judge.

> The comic,I simply didn´t pay attention to it nor it deserves to be seen on a high regard at all.
Though I have considered ananyling them to see how they fit into the lore and how they should be judged in context vs subtext, that probably is the best strategy. In a social media driven world ignoring can be the greatest act of defiance.

> He had fears towards the other species and while hippogriffs and griffons didn´t have reasons to be treated with those thoughts, his reasons can be justified because of the attack from the changelings in Canterlot, the dragons menacing the ponies in the Dragon Lord´s race or the yaks almost declaring the war to the mane 6 in Party Pooped
In universe they can certainly be. Though I need to check again and see how much they actually showed and hinted at his reasons within season 8.

>So that SJW propaganda isn´t all that clear to me and it opened more about topics like racism,bureaucracy and diplomacy come into the discussion, entering into grey areas.In the end, he didn´t aim that far except for excluding the "pony education" to the students.
As I said, I think he was easily conceived because of Trump but I'm not sure if his execution fits.

>>4856
> like changing its name from The Fetlock-Fest to The Amity Ball is enough just to be noticed. I might not seem too severe, but it changes the tone of the shows world.
I think I may almost agree in this instance. But I hve no time for nuanced coments as another matter has arisen that needs y urgent attention

>>4861
>hve no time for nuanced coments as another matter has arisen that needs y urgent attention
at least you have managed to comment about a few things while my part relies on the usual PoLS. Maybe I will be more active tomorrow for posting proper replies.

>>4856
>Nothing in particular, just the general feel of some of the shows more recent episodes.
considering that they have been changing the cast over the years, it comes to no surprise that the directions have been different but I don´t think that the change is all that radical. I am surprised that there have been comfy episodes like Going To Seed or She Talks To Angel as if all the events that have happened aren´t that much of a big deal.

>The whole “everycreature” thing is only a symptom of that. She’s All Yak is a good example. While theirs nothing that’ll really jump out at you as propaganda, the way the main 6 constantly cuck for the student 6 and change certain aspects of the ball, like changing its name from The Fetlock-Fest to The Amity Ball is enough just to be noticed. I might not seem too severe, but it changes the tone of the shows world.
it changes the tone indeed.....but the core spirit does not. Just because one can point out that expression and the characters repeat it constantly, it doesn´t mean that message or spirit changes at all.

I have a theory that ponies have won two battles: the cultural and the diplomatic ones. Just because you get annoyed by that change of tone, it doesn´t mean that those characters are going to be all that different and at some point, they bring those old reminiscent vibes because of those lessons learned (despite the politically correct expressions used in the method).

I haven´t watched She´s All Yak since it aired (and I probably should give it a try again) and it´s the only episode that I skipped at reviewing but let me tell you that it´s not even close to a low point of the series. The message introduced in that episode was that Yona was trying too hard to act and seem like a pony. The final lesson shows that she has to accept her condition of what she is.

In the finale (that you have watched), you see that the rest of Equestria save the Mane 6 as if they are the same despite their differences. What makes them an unity is not what they are but the principles that they establish for their concord. You will say that this is politically correct for other species but let me tell you that ponies were isolated to their own as well in the first seasons....

I´ll let that sink in

>I was actually pleasantly surprised by the finale, not enough for me to fully forgive the shows recent changes, but I have to admit that it was quite good.
it was truly great. I mean, you don´t have to like everything and it´s alright that you show these complaints and offer criticism (I would be really bored that everyone had the same opinion as mine) but if there is something shown in the finale, it´s that the other species not only prove the order and respect mutually, but it shows that ponies (the mane 6 + Spike particularly, not even Celestia and Luna can attribute this to themselves) have had a method of unification.

The finale proves that the student 6 were the prototype (a risky experiment) and the proof of finding harmony despite their differences but they all succumbed to Twilight´s lessons (verified and approved by both Neighsay and Starswirl), meaning that culture and the universal basic values are what show more power in the end, so much that in case of an emergency/menace, they all come to defend it as a return of improving their lives after ponies came into their territories and noticed the changes.

The show has changed the tone yes, I won´t deny it at all, just that it´s become bigger and more expansive than just Ponyville,Canterlot and Cloudsdale. Why can´t I call it blatant propaganda? Because it goes progressively within its route, using universal messages and plausible situations that are diverse and vastly different.

This is called Friendship is Magic for a reason and it´s no wonder that they decide to go that route.

>>4861
>but Scootaloo's parents themselves were such a hard thing to judge.
that was the actual problem to deal with.Adding an artificial layer of problems on top of that made it really difficult.

>In a social media driven world ignoring can be the greatest act of defiance.
eeeyup, I prefer praising what they should offer and expose the legitimately good comics instead of focusing on an awful one that is charged with political intentions (for the wrong reasons in a heated year like 2016).

I guess the internet works with exposure. If you complain and analyze as an atrocity, people will be curious at how bad it is.

>In universe they can certainly be.
all those explanations were made just by taking the show as the base material and what you can extract from it, leaving the writers´ideology behind the scenes aside.

>I need to check again and see how much they actually showed and hinted at his reasons within season 8.
the key episode are pretty much School Daze, Raze and Friendship University. I don´t think that Neighsay appears anywhere else except a cameo in the season 9 finale.

>I think he was easily conceived because of Trump but I'm not sure if his execution fits.
considering at the time that was written within its context, it makes sense for pretty obvious reasons that it´s an allusion to him (I mean, you can reaffirm yourself by simply checking the Twitter from the show staff) but what´s translated to the show, it leads to certain confusions and it doesn´t seem to set a clear sign that he´s Trump ponified. Unless they wanted to hint at the immigration issues, I don´t see where they were aiming at and this implies several interpretations depending on your ideology/vision.

They could have been more explicit with him so, considering where the show staff comes from, I appreciate the subtlety so the discussions land in an unclear point (to an extent)

I'm writing a non-green fanfic over at cuckchan. Once it's done, I'll post it to fimfic.

Topic: an alternate ending to the series, treating everything up to S9E23 as canon.

Thread where I post updates and answer questions about my story:
http://boards.4channel.org/mlp/thread/34429124

The story's pastebin so far (I'll share the fimfiction link once I make it) https://pastebin.com/3cMif0D5

I apologize if I'm being a retard; this is my first time posting in this thread. I would really, really love any feedback you guys would be so kind to give. I'm always looking to improve my story.

>>4887
>I'm writing a non-green fanfic over at cuckchan.
you mean /mlp/. I wouldn´t say that /mlp/ is a person and everyone is a cuck over there (the difference between faggot and cuck is a stretch).

>an alternate ending to the series, treating everything up to S9E23 as canon
what are your motivations to skip the last three episodes? I mean, there is no wrong way to fantasize at all and one can dislike the finale (hey, i understand the varied opinions towards any official material, especially with the twist of Grogar at the beginning of the finale).

However, I am just curious about your decision to rewrite it with a different story.
Are you setting it up for a different timeline in which the villains win and take over Equestria?
Are you writing this as a message/protest towards the finale´s direction?
Are you doing this for raising a different perspective towards the characterization of the legion of Doom?
Do you do this because you want more material about them?
Or do you simply do it for fun or want to contribute to the fandom with an inspiring story that is floating in your mind?

I am asking simple questions to what surrounds all this material (which rounds 35.000 words so this looks like a serious project from yours).

>The story's pastebin so far (I'll share the fimfiction link once I make it)
alright, perfect.

>I apologize if I'm being a retard; this is my first time posting in this thread.
more like this looks like your first post in this board (I imply this because of the cuckchan word. I heard the word halfchan in 8ch but this one actually reveals the shitposting mindset instantly) because you are assuming that there are lots of users backing up this board when in reality, there are two main users (and one of them doesn´t have English as a mother tongue, so don´t expect a marvelous terminology from him), one shitposter who has never watched the show (except The Last Problem out of curiosity, ironically enough) and a 4th user who has created this thread for these same purposes as you might be looking for at the moment.

I am not going to lie about this situation and who you are asking for this stuff, so for now, I am simply giving you a meta feedback, asking for your psychological motivations for it.

>I would really, really love any feedback you guys would be so kind to give. I'm always looking to improve my story.
I might not have read anything yet but I really really appreciate (and encourage) that humble mindset. For now, stick with /mlp/ because it´s your main circle where you are building your ambient and loyal consumers for this fic, so they are more involved with it right now than I am capable to reach (not to mention that we still have to review the finale properly yet). At least, that´s my personal case.

Anyway, I won´t make any promises nor get your hopes up for now.

One last question: are you reaching the completion in the near future or do you have plans to make it longer?

>>4887
another post towards your fic is that I am reading your latest ideas in your /mlp/ thread and apparently you are going to include Midnight Sparkle (or Mean Twilight). Why exactly? What´s the purpose of adding this character to a bunch of established ones? Does she have anything unique in comparison to the rest or something? Is she going to matter for future interactions or decisions? What´s her driving force despite knowing that this might collapse the universes of EQG and FIM?

It might not be the greatest feedback in terms of writing but if you have been asking for it, there you have my questions to entertain you a little bit.

Also, I wanted to repeat my answer towards the cuckchan word but I am advising you of treating them with care because those "cucks" are probably going to have an influence towards your story and at some point, you will need their support for more ideas/motivations, not to mention that the "cuck"base has been your main core of consumers that support your idea/project.

Take care of them. That´s what I try to express to you. It might sound harsh and somewhat delusional (probably giving them too much credit) but it´s the hand that enlivens the ambient and your decisions.

And I might not be an active consumer of fan content (in terms of fanfics, games and music) but what I can do is check that thread and bump it to the first page so others can check this story and get more people to get interested in it (a subtle backup).

>>4887
>I apologize if I'm being a retard; this is my first time posting in this thread. I would really, really love any feedback you guys would be so kind to give. I'm always looking to improve my story.
Though I'm going to get through with my ultra long review of the final first, sure I will give it a read and offer feedback.

>>4889
>Are you doing this for raising a different perspective towards the characterization of the legion of Doom?
This could be an interesting route to take because of reasons I feel that their could have been more to them which I go into detail here. >>4894

>>4890
>Also, I wanted to repeat my answer towards the cuckchan word but I am advising you of treating them with care because those "cucks" are probably going to have an influence towards your story and at some point, you will need their support for more ideas/motivations, not to mention that the "cuck"base has been your main core of consumers that support your idea/project.
I wouldn't read that deeply into it. I think he is just following what he assumes to be the proper terminology around here. because he assumes we are 8/pone/ and not the strange child of a someone who just wanted to post pictures, a rough lurker, and our old BO who apparently had a /flutter/ mindset with this place

>>4889
>you mean /mlp/. I wouldn´t say that /mlp/ is a person and everyone is a cuck over there (the difference between faggot and cuck is a stretch).
I just called it cuckchan because I was worried there was another /mlp/.

>what are your motivations to skip the last three episodes?
I was deeply upset by many of the decisions. It's troubled me, and to cope with it, I am writing it out.

>more like this looks like your first post in this board
Guilty as charged.

>One last question: are you reaching the completion in the near future or do you have plans to make it longer?
I'd say I'm about 70% done with it. I've been writing for 6 weeks or so, so that means a couple more weeks before I complete, most likely.

>>4890
>another post towards your fic is that I am reading your latest ideas in your /mlp/ thread and apparently you are going to include Midnight Sparkle (or Mean Twilight). Why exactly? What´s the purpose of adding this character to a bunch of established ones? Does she have anything unique in comparison to the rest or something?
It's Mean Twilight, she's just decided to call herself Midnight Sparkle since she needs a separate name. I'm adding her back because a) Chrysalis kept her log around, implying she wanted to do something with her, b) the leaks implied she was going to be a member of the Legion of Doom, and c) I feel like she would have very interesting interactions with Chrysalis, Cozy, and Tirek.

>Also, I wanted to repeat my answer towards the cuckchan word but I am advising you of treating them with care because those "cucks" are probably going to have an influence towards your story and at some point, you will need their support for more ideas/motivations, not to mention that the "cuck"base has been your main core of consumers that support your idea/project.
>Take care of them. That´s what I try to express to you. It might sound harsh and somewhat delusional (probably giving them too much credit) but it´s the hand that enlivens the ambient and your decisions.
It wasn't meant to be an insult to them, just my clumsy attempt to fit into this board's culture.

>>4897
>I think he is just following what he assumes to be the proper terminology around here.
Indeed.

>>4901
>I just called it cuckchan because I was worried there was another /mlp/.
This is the prime pony board here from what I can tell with my power over carrots.

>It wasn't meant to be an insult to them, just my clumsy attempt to fit into this board's culture.
These fags are pretty laid back, just don't mindless shitpost cuckchan or /pol/ style and you be okay though carrots are the shitposts of the elite and welcome everywhere

>the leaks implied she was going to be a member of the Legion of Doom, and c) I feel like she would have very interesting interactions with Chrysalis, Cozy, and Tirek.
There is an evil version of the purple one? I saw only the final 3 eps with no context and don't consider myself to be fan but I am interested in this whole subversion of Friendship business with this Cozy character. It seems like a lot of you think the show botched it but it seems like a real ballsy thing to try at all.

>>4903
>There is an evil version of the purple one?
Yep, she only appears in one episode though.

>>4897
>Though I'm going to get through with my ultra long review of the final first
you are crafting a quite long one. My goodness when I get to reply to your entire thoughts.

>This could be an interesting route to take because of reasons I feel that their could have been more to them which I go into detail here. >>4894
I haven´t given to the finale a second spin for judging it properly. I am going to risk a little bit myself and say yeah, the whole twist was kind of unexpected and the previous episodes about them didn´t seem to lead to that resolution so easily.This means that we´ve got more action, laserbeams and MLP going full DBZ mode for a few more minutes.
However, I do have an argument to justify why they were villains, those connections of friendship were just a means to an end for taking the power. The lesson might not mean that the villains were dumb but more like power corrupts. The more you have, the more you want it to be bigger. There were points in the finale in which they could have cheated at each other and they were simply together because the bell offered the tools to conquer Equestria. I won´t defend all the writing decisions but notice how they are looking for their personal interests more than the fact of ruling together. This means that they have disobeyed Grogar´s advice because of their ambitions. In Grogar´s hideout, they had barely joints save for taking the power, therefore, if they had won, they wouldn´t stand each other all that much.

Again, I have to watch it but your review points out a plausible vision of the writers making this finale with a Hollywood scheme for this finale.

>I think he is just following what he assumes to be the proper terminology around here.
we all know that terminology but he´s already confirmed it. >>4901

>he assumes we are 8/pone/ and not the strange child of a someone who just wanted to post pictures, a rough lurker, and our old BO who apparently had a /flutter/ mindset with this place
and the former two were background users or lurkers. 3 users becoming passive fans to active ones with an alternate project. It´s really funny how in hindsight this statement is but this line right here shows the truth about its origins. Back then, I wanted to post pictures of seaponies actually and later in that January, I was running out of options so I had to add all kinds of images over time, picking a few rare ones that you wouldn´t see on /mlp/ very often.

>>4901
>I just called it cuckchan because I was worried there was another /mlp/.
you aren´t wrong. There is a /mlp/ board that exists in this site:

https://endchan.net/mlp/

So you were assuming your expectations correctly because you can create any MLP themed board for different intentions (absolute freedom for anything). The problem is that you are posting in a strange board to begin with. Me and >>4897 have been lurking on /mlp/ for years and we know how it works. If you want us to become more like /mlp/, we can do that at any moment but /endpone/ cannot replicate /mlp/ at all because the different circumstances prevent from that formula to succeed.

By the way, this board had less than 300 posts back in December 2017 and it wasn´t located in the first page....I´ll leave it at that but I can explain more details about the backstory of this board during its 2nd phase (the first era takes from its creation until December 2017)

>I was deeply upset by many of the decisions. It's troubled me, and to cope with it, I am writing it out.
that a pretty respectable way to protest, not to mention that MLP is a franchise that has opened up to the fantasies of its own fans and the interpretations that you can take from the show itself. This reason alone might be a highlight to me and a huge factor why I could give The Last Problem a really high score.

Instead of making drama out of it, you offer a what if situation. Creating content instead of making clickbait dramas by opening threads on /mlp/.I don´t see the problem with your response considering that you want to build something instead of destroying.

>Guilty as charged.
it´s okay.

>I'm about 70% done with it.
That sounds nice.

>I've been writing for 6 weeks or so, so that means a couple more weeks before I complete, most likely.
considering the amount of words that you have written for it, it seems that you had watched the leaks, complained about it in those threads and appeal to those who were disenchanted with it. I had to avoid /mlp/ because of the final spoiler leaks until everything aired officially in the US.

It seems that you are quite advanced with it. Keep going!

>she's just decided to call herself Midnight Sparkle since she needs a separate name.
well, sounds sort of plausible considering that the show didn´t offer a proper name for her. I simply say that it might be confusing for those who have watched EQG, either it´s a reference to her dark side or the name simply matched for you and didn´t feel like an OC.

>Chrysalis kept her log around, implying she wanted to do something with her
>b she was going to be a member of the Legion of Doom
I cannot tell about the text leaks, I have avoided them as well mostly because a few ones could have been edited by random anons for their own convenience (even though they would be obvious).
What I can say is that you are backing up your project with legit elements (that log actually appeared in Frenemies when Chrysalis was talking to her own self alone in that room)and forging plausible situations from actual and derivative plans that the staff has released.

>c) I feel like she would have very interesting interactions with Chrysalis, Cozy, and Tirek.
that´s up to the writer´s vision and your personal implications that you build up in your mind. Considering that the interactions between the characters involved in any story is what has made this show great, this aspect can turn into an appealing advantage depending on where you are trying to lead them in your timeline.

>It wasn't meant to be an insult to them, just my clumsy attempt to fit into this board's culture.
yeah, I noticed that.
We could turn into another version of /mlp/ at any single moment. Repeating the formula doesn´t require much energy and if we had done that, the board could have reached the 5 digits in terms of posts.
If you want to fit into the board´s culture (maybe it´s not what you might expect for an imageboard of this kind), simply check the threads with the biggest amount of posts.

>>4905
>she only appears in one episode though.
eeeyup

>This is the prime pony board here from what I can tell with my power over carrots.
any MLP board around here could become the prime pony board for Endchan (5000 posts is what one would post on /mlp/ in one single day). For Endchan standards, it has turned into the main one but if an organized fraction of fans posted in this site, they could reach this number in a pretty short period of time. In the meantime, it seems that /endpone/ has held the prime status, reaching the top 10 pretty often (even though /flutter/ has managed to reach the top 10 recently as well).

>just don't mindless shitpost cuckchan or /pol/ style and you be okay
/endpone/ has discussed deeply about politics. Not in the /pol/ style because it´s not worthy at all to be tense all the time and it consumed us after an entire month discussing about political topics almost all the time. After that month ended, I was asking for a break and we agreed to look for other things in the following months.

>There is an evil version of the purple one?
The Mean 6 (Season 8, Episode 13), only that episode with a little cameo of her log in the Frenemies episode (Season 9, Episode 8). It´s a quite dark episode and definitely not the most child-friendly that one outsider could expect from this show. Considering that you have watched the finale, you can expect these dark situations.

>I saw only the final 3 eps with no context and don't consider myself to be fan but I am interested in this whole subversion of Friendship business with this Cozy character.
Cozy Glow debuts in the 8th season so it´s one of the most recent characters added in the show along with the student 6. Her first episode is Marks for Affection (Season 08 Episode 12), makes a little appearance in S8 Episode 16 (Friendship University), then she reveals herself a little bit in What Lies Beneath (S8 Episode 22) and then, School Raze shows her actual plan (S8 Episodes 25 & 26).

As for season 9, she appears for a couple of minutes in the Beginning of the End (S9 Ep 1 & 2) but her arc with Tirek and Chrysalis consists in two episodes: Frenemies (S9 Ep 8) and The Summer Sun Setback (S9 Episode 17). Her climax happens in the finale that you have watched (The Ending of the End S9 Eps 24 & 25).

Don´t expect to see her at all in any of the 7 previous seasons. I am saying that on advance.

>>4903
still surprised that you watched the final and that you have actually taken an interest in a character there.

>>4907
>you are crafting a quite long one. My goodness when I get to reply to your entire thoughts.
It's going to both take awhile and be pretty long so I'd suggest you'd just ignore some post and reply to what you consider the main points would be easiest route.

>However, I do have an argument to justify why they were villains, those connections of friendship were just a means to an end for taking the power. The lesson might not mean that the villains were dumb but more like power corrupts
That's basically what I mean here.
>>4894
> First of all, it does feel pretty reasonable that they formed a somewhat shaky alliance and it really did not go much beyond that.
My point of criticism was that it was set up pretty strongly but it they didn't do anything other than a weak subversion (we hinted they were be redeemed but now they are not!) but it wasn't really acknowledge. Their conflict didn't really involve that aspect at all and considering it is the core theme of Cozy Glow's character. It just gets reduced to generic villainy and feels detached from those episodes from a story telling perspective. As I say though, I'm not sure if they actually had that elements in their we would've had as much time for all the stuff they did put in there. though this discussion should probably be saved for when I finished part 1 of my review

>>4905
Having mean Twilight there would be a blast and you could pursue a interesting dynamic.

>>4912
>It's going to both take awhile and be pretty long so I'd suggest you'd just ignore some post and reply to what you consider the main points would be easiest route.
thanks for the advice, I´ll see what I do in the end. I will try to post things unrelated to the finale in the meantime even though I have had to...

>That's basically what I mean here.
give my opinion without solidifying it all that much by only watching the finale once. Reading your post, it makes sense that the villains twist has lead to some confusion.

Then I think the same in that regard like you had posted in the show discussion thread. Anyway, I believe that I will wait a little bit for wording my thoughts better and going with more detail whenever I get to reply to you properly. At least, I have posted a little bit of what you can expect.

>though this discussion should probably be saved for when I finished part 1 of my review
same, I probably have anticipated myself a little bit as well. So yeah, I will try to avoid about discussing the finale for the most part (preventing myself from possible contradictions)

>>4887
Have continued to write. Math has been brutal, but I'm still going at it. If any of you guys have thoughts, I'm still interested.

>>5213
Actually have skimmed through it. I actually was considering posting something here comparing and contrasting it to my criticisms (both positive and negative) with the final once I posted my last review Hopefully sometime next week

>>5213
Oh, so your the guy doing that thread? Neat. I've always been meaning to read it but just haven't bothered to yet. My thoughts on the final were overall positive. I thought it hit it in all the right areas emotionally, but whenever I try to logic it I feel there are some things that come up sort.

I'm taking it you're not this anon >>5050 Sorry. Just wanted to ask him/you something.

>>5213
>Math has been brutal, but I'm still going at it.
Chemistry in January: hold my beer...

>>5218
>I've always been meaning to read it but just haven't bothered to yet. My thoughts on the final were overall positive
no need to type more from my part.

>Just wanted to ask him/you something.
at this step, it seems that if the anon in question comes back, he will be known as the 50/50 poster. Those digits are too good to not get a memorable appellation.

>>5216
>>5218
>>5225
It's up on Fimfic! Editing and releases of chapters will continue over the next week:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/457581/the-ending-of-the-end-love-and-tolerance-edition

>>5300
nice, that´s great. You know, I have been thinking about setting up an account over there as well and posting a few stories written here so far over there.

I see that you have been featured on FiMFiction front page so,as for anything that has an actual effort behind a project, it´s paying off more than you expected, not to mention that your threads have been consistently appearing on /mlp/ for very long periods and reaching the bump limit. Congratulations for making such huge project real. Godspeed SiVC!

>>5300
Alright. When I get the chance I will post my thoughts/review on it either here or a new thread I'm working on. Whichever I deem more appropriate.

>>5306
It blew my mind to get into the feature box. Holy cow.
And I'm happy with it. I feel it's not very skillfully written, and I hope to improve it sometime, but I feel I nailed the story I wanted to.
It's about 85% done.

>>5308
Thank you!

>>5337
>I'm happy with it. I feel it's not very skillfully written, and I hope to improve it sometime, but I feel I nailed the story I wanted to.
yeah well done even though professionals aren´t born but made over the course of making more stories over time. I see that one of these signs consists in making Sombra enjoyable for the fans that you have their attention and enjoying the process of making this story a reality.

As for submitting these stories to FiMFiction, I modified the story without the ">" signs but phew, you can almost say goodbye to almost anything written over here.

I was about to submit DWK´s one and despite making more formal and a revised version of it, they are quite demanding towards anything.

>>5337
Perhaps you filled a niche? Fix it fics is a genre over there and a few have done well. A lot of them probably at least share some of the critiques you do as they probably were the second most nitpickish of the final besides /mlp/ when I briefly checked there (though still more positive overall).

>>5338
This. Though I consider my endpone stuff to be nothing special it is vastly superior to my first attempts that date from 2011 and 2012.

>>5339
>you can almost say goodbye to almost anything written over here.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... All the rules in the screencap seem familiar to me other than the no chapter updates announcing a sequel. I used to see fanfic authors do that all the time with squeals and non story updates. I've been pretty outta tune with the site over the past three years but I have seem them allow experimental stuff fairly often in old times. Including a fic that was just a picture with text in a multitude of colors and a variety of formatting even with those rules in place. I'll have ta go back and see if they are still there if I can remember them.

>>5344
>Though I consider my endpone stuff to be nothing special it is vastly superior to my first attempts
they are. Otherwise I wouldn´t have reviewed them so they have something going on in comparison to other greens posted here or...

>that date from 2011 and 2012.
these ones.I would like to see your first attempts so one can notice the changes. It could be an interesting exercise and considering that it was a different era and fanfics were seen with more infamy than these days.


>All the rules in the screencap seem familiar to me other than the no chapter updates announcing a sequel.
alright, that´s good to know.

>I used to see fanfic authors do that all the time with squeals and non story updates.
well, this means that I am picking the choice of collecting the fics that have some correlation, using them as an archive more than anything else.

>I've been pretty outta tune with the site over the past three years but I have seem them allow experimental stuff fairly often in old times.
fingers crossed they do allow that nowadays. Maybe I am the only stupid fan that takes the rules seriously and people just write whatever they want without consequences.

>Including a fic that was just a picture with text in a multitude of colors and a variety of formatting even with those rules in place. I'll have ta go back and see if they are still there if I can remember them.
did that text have a green format? It would be pretty informative and prove that these rules are written in theory but broken in practice.I mean, one can change the styles without the arrows and I am doing that before submitting them.

Bridgefag, good news! They have actually accepted the compilation I submitted this morning!
I believe that your three main fics will get registered without any problem. Only a few hours before approval and showing them to the public.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/459027/the-bridges-the-railways-and-the-parties-compilation

So yeah, you can perfectly go for it. Green light here!

>>5338
That means a lot. Thank you!
>>5344
>Perhaps you filled a niche? Fix it fics is a genre over there and a few have done well. A lot of them probably at least share some of the critiques you do as they probably were the second most nitpickish of the final besides /mlp/ when I briefly checked there (though still more positive overall).
That makes a lot of sense. This most recent chapter is very slow going, but I'm confident I can do it

>>5521
>That means a lot. Thank you!
you are welcome. Besides, not many are capable to make a general that brings entertainment for weeks to /mlp/ and still keep going with it to this day.
You have my like and the fav just to support your project and make it bigger(and /mlp/ users demand a lot sometimes, so it has its merits). I have your story pending but the support is there.

>This most recent chapter is very slow going, but I'm confident I can do it
I can emphasize with that feeling. In fact, with the latest fic I have written, I struggled at writing the last chapter of it for an entire night. I scrapped almost entirely the scheme that I had planned in the draft and it ended up in a very different direction.

I am sure you will write it but it might not arrive at the planned destination that you would want to bring it.

It seems that you are quite busy though and there are anons hyping up your next pieces. Good luck!

>>5521
I am confident that I will get to posting a few of my thoughts on yours (as soon as I am done with L23's) Thanks for stopping by!

>>5898
before replying to anything in general, I would like to know if you want feedback/comments about this PDF or this one >>5897 first?

I am asking this just to know if you are finding yourself in a hurry for your project(s) currently.

>>5899
I don't expect to restart on that before November. It still might happen, but I'm not "in a hurry" for feedback. I'd like to share the parts I enjoyed rereading the most (dream sequences, mostly) but for sure they wouldn't make sense without a little backstory.

>>5904
>I don't expect to restart on that before November. It still might happen, but I'm not "in a hurry" for feedback.
okay, got it.

>I'd like to share the parts I enjoyed rereading the most (dream sequences, mostly) but for sure they wouldn't make sense without a little backstory
yeah, presenting an alternate universe would help a lot to get immersed into it.

As I said in the other thread, do you want any special perspective about anything or do you want a standard commentary of those parts?

>>5905
> do you want any special perspective

Whatever you feel needs saying.
In rereading the clip I took to the in-person crituque group, I realize even this is a bit of a jump.
So, some backstory for the backstory:
Fred is a database programmer but, in CB lore, "there is no year seven" and he's traveling along the bare edge of the magic bubble / "the barrier" in search of maintaining his autonomy, and nothing else.
Fred has just traveled to a destroyed conversion bureau that was partially bombed by the human liberation front.
Their sleeper agent, Carlos, never "triggered" -- and thanks to a small magical wave/surge, neither did half the explosives.
So this washed-up terrorist has-been has tentatively hooked up with an expert in a crumbling field -- the "your side is greener" odd couple trope.

They separate shortly after this clip, for several chapters until we're ready to meet the rest of the washouts now forcibly in the Devil's Minions (IE they're ponies).

>>5907
>Whatever you feel needs saying.
as I have always said, I can´t promise anything nor I think I will but...

>I realize even this is a bit of a jump.
yeah, because reading this feels a little bit challenging.

I think that what you have posted might be enough.

>>5898
>I have a couple of specific problem with the piece associated with the clip I'm about to attach -- I really let my mane down when I wrote it and while I like the dream sequences, I don't know if I started over if I could get the same level of feel while not having every mare literally throw herself at my Gary Stu insert.
I'll thrown in my thoughts too after I think on it a little bit.

>>5909
>yeah, because reading this feels a little bit challenging.
You probably haven't even read a Conversion Bureau fic (my own experience is limited as well) and it can be hard enough on its own to judge a small part of a larger story. I suppose you could just offer your two cents on what makes it work or not or what feels off. That's what I'm probably going to do.

>>5898
You are dealing with a what would be a very traumatizing event. First a Human to Pony transformation than he is out and about. Such a change would be a shock to anyone and I'd imagine their mental well being would be put into question for awhile. Especially since he seems to be retaining some of his humanity over a full mind control that I've seen at the fics I've peaked at with that setting. It seems like one could say that this needs to be drawn out a lot longer and Fred being a whole lot more shell shocked and worn by the experience. Though after thinking about it I'm not sure that criticism would be fair. You know how sometimes traumatizing events just pass by and the person experiencing them having little recollection of how they got from one moment to the next? This feels like you were aiming for that feeling. Though my initial reaction to Fred was that it felt like he was too well adjusted to being a pony but in humanity sudden events can just strike on upon you and only later realize the significance of them (I can't believe it he really is gone...). I can't fully judge that is what you did based on this part alone but it has that feel to me so it maybe a positive.

The guards leaving really felt too abrupt but I can't be sure if that is do to some reason that would make sense later. I don't know why Fred is a Pegicorn but that could be interesting or it could be a total disaster (I do like the pre fandom influenced Pegicorn concept that I sometimes see in fics.) Carlos and Fred could be a great duo or they may need significant work. All and all this sequence I really can't offer that much else of an opinion on it's own as a lot of things could be made or broken with more information on the story.

>>5907
Now onto the setting itself. I'm going to be honest: I do not like the Conversion Bureau very much. Most stories that I've seen are one side dominating the other in a ridiculous fashion and the grimdarkness is usually done to the point of overriding the characters personalities.

>he's traveling along the bare edge of the magic bubble / "the barrier" in search of maintaining his autonomy, and nothing else.
This is probably one of the strongest stories that can be done with the CB played completely straight without dialing back the grimdarkness at all.

There is one detail that I can glean from this that I do like with your CB fic. You don't have the shield/bubble just converting/destorying everything human right away and indoctrination is not fully complete with newfoals (at least some) even with some personality alterations. So with this you have a more interesting setting with magic slowly destorying human technology. I liked the detail of the guards showing up and the streetlights exploding and I presume you could do more with the concept. Like have Fred struggle with trying to use the crumbling remains of human computers for a task that and he could destroy them with his mere presence.

>>5919
>I do not like the Conversion Bureau very much. Most stories that I've seen are one side dominating the other in a ridiculous fashion and the grimdarkness is usually done to the point of overriding the characters personalities.
more like why I am not familiar with Conversion Bureau is more like despite reading the common setting for all the derivative fics, it´s absolutely clear that after watching the entire show, one would have to imagine the case of how both sides are being pushed and how Celestia goes like a nice totalitarian to conquer the entire world with magic and from the human side, that premise would work as an excuse for getting away with military/action scenes potentially.

But yeah, you have read my thoughts before I even bothered to get info about its setting. Before diving into the little story shown here, I would prefer reading at how both universes human and ponies are separate without collapsing in terms of matter but manage to stay in contact with each other (like they did with Sunset and Celestia)

>>5915
>I suppose you could just offer your two cents on what makes it work or not or what feels off. That's what I'm probably going to do.
I don´t have any other choice. Despite reading the premise of this fic, I will admit that is not my cup of tea because of the conflicts that said environment brings onto the table.

>>5907
let me read it and I will highlight a few lines of that part.

Bridgefag, I hate you because you read my mind before I say anything about it and I´ve got to point it out as well...

>>5918
>Such a change would be a shock to anyone and I'd imagine their mental well being would be put into question for awhile.
>The guards leaving really felt too abrupt but I can't be sure if that is do to some reason that would make sense later.
eeeeyup I have to agree with these comments

>All and all this sequence I really can't offer that much else of an opinion on it's own as a lot of things could be made or broken with more information on the story.
also this because it doesn´t seem that there is some kind of subtlety hidden except for the conversation given later. Given that this piece is out of context, one can´t tell if certain sentences will pay off later.

In order to back up why this critique arises is that in the story, it goes like this:
>>5898
>Then just as suddenly the three officers must have decided they were currently outclassed, as they all jumped into the air.
so even the writer acknowledges and is completely that the guards are leaving in the blink of an eye but their motivation was left unclear here. This is the part that confuses me the most because why would they leave the two friends there if they had an unfriendly conversation? That is to say, what were the actual motifs for those stallions? Here is why this becomes a little bit hard to judge this moment for itself but you wrote this completely aware of it so I suppose that later in the story, the reader would find out in the next chapters.

>>5898
now, the strongest aspect (without commenting about the lore) that one could get attached to these characters is when the descriptions start to display that ponification process and it could have more extended in order to flesh a little bit more the psychological part of Fred and also physical changes. Bridgefag has pointed out both physical and mental aspects so i am going to point out why this could have had more development.

>The books seemed to imply the horn was a fifth (seventh, for Fred) limb, and a pony just learned to use it like a baby learned to walk (again)."Maybe there's a whole village over there of disillusioned or untriggered HLF agents,Carlos. I'll help you look."Carlos nodded. And smiled.
and then you jump straight to the next situation with:
>Later, during the pre-dawn light, the pair were grazing.
introducing the conversation with the officers all of a sudden when you could have exploited a few more lines between Carlos and Fred. However, I could understand that you could aim for a detective novel and follow that narrative but at the cost of sacrificing certain details from the characters. I point this out because what could be considered as filler in terms of events, it could also add up more warmth towards these two.

I also highlight this because you actually capable of exploiting them and digging deeper into their personal matters:
>He couldn't yet figure out if he himself had changed; maybe it would reveal itself incoming days. Or maybe he was too close to notice, and would never know. Perhaps,thought Fred briefly, that would be okay.
>He had no illusions to a flight skill
>But now that he could breathe freely, move freely ... it was clear he was some derivation of pony, now.
it´s kind of frustrating that despite showing clear signs of potential depth at exploring the changes, you don´t go that deep and this transition could have had more impact.

If you wanted a reaction of harsh criticism towards anything is that this clip could have added more strength to the ponification part.No complaints about the chemistry between both friends or anything else for this clip really just that you skipped a potential moment that could have offered more charm.

In terms of lore, I still have a bare idea of it despite reading the premise of the whole setting so I am not going to enter in that territory.

>>5923
>I still have a bare idea of it despite reading

>>5918
>I can't be sure if that is do to some reason that would make sense later

*due, not do. Also, motive, not motif. Insert grammarnazicat here.

So, the "back cover copy" IE description on fimfic would give this away:
The premise that spurred this particular combination, was the tale "Code: Majeste" in which a lady ponified as alicorn, and it came up that the pony technicians had standing orders to destroy (kill in their sleep) anyone who came through as an alicorn.
WHY would Celestia feel so threatened by a one-in-10,000 random chance? What made them that uncontrollable?
In this AU(and AU to CB standards) there is, at least, a pretense to reason. The appearance of a caste system is real, and is enforced externally. Earth ponies can't help but do the will of unicorns, and even pegasi terrify and awe the lowly earth pony. And of course, regardless of intelligence or aspirations, alicorns seem like small gods to even the haughty unicorns.
With that revealed, let me give you the title of this piece:

Magic is Friendship


--hopefully this clarifies in a useful manner what just happened--

>>5924
>Insert grammarnazicat here
and something tells me that this won´t be the last time that you will insert that mode here. Most likely I am going to make your eyes bleed sooner or later.

>Earth ponies can't help but do the will of unicorns, and even pegasi terrify and awe the lowly earth pony. And of course, regardless of intelligence or aspirations, alicorns seem like small gods to even the haughty unicorns.
that explains why you focused on the horn so much...I see.

>hopefully this clarifies in a useful manner what just happened
oh I am slowly getting it and how it´s all tied to the lore, making it harder for an outsider to judge this text properly.

>>5925
>Most likely I am going to make your eyes bleed sooner or later

Everybody is OCD about something; thank you for your understanding.

> making it harder for an outsider to judge this text properly

I suppose. That's *always* been my downfall -- I have intricate thoughts, thus my tales have subtleties that intrigue me but simultaneously to remind myself of certain factual realities I add heavy-handed and short-cut statements to "finish" the tale so I can get back to what I'm trying to say ... and it turns out other people aren't like me.
Imagine that.

It's a cultural thing, in part. That is, I was home-schooled but had no friends nor was I even vaguely accepted the few times I was in public school -- and then I had no friends at work until this last decade, and they mostly just put up with me as the bright-eyed outcast they occasionally talk over the top of.

I can speak, though, to the matter of 'glossing over' the moments of transformation. Partly, this tale isn't about Fred learning to be a pony, but Fred's unsullied and insatiable desire to be his own master; a Tom Bombadil of Equestria if you will.
And he knows (guesses correctly) that the official ponification route doesn't allow for personal mastery. Unfortunately, now that he's a god with a target on his plot & a price on his forelock that greatly precludes a simple life of personal mastery also.
"Oops" he might say to himself, centuries later.

Too, you have to consider this is the latter half of the first chapter of a NaNoWriMo effort. Are you familiar with that "program" ? 50,000 words in 30 days.
I made it, so there is a great deal that happens but when I hit the target wordcount I just ... quit.
There are two glaring problems with the whole of this piece. The first is the village that we meet a chapter or two from what I posted. You remember I said I let my mane down writing it?
Fred gets laid by literally every mare in the village that first night, and he doesn't even speak Ponish (The language barrier is another AU-element to this piece, although I weave that into the force-of-magic forcing conformity on the natives).
Granted that might be okay but that level accidental domination is never repeated but I relied on it to explain how Fred (who named himself Forest Fire to 'blend in') grew so quickly in the ways of pony.

Okay, okay so take out the "every mare" part and downgrade it to just the one mare, who was "assigned" to his care because she was the only non-illiterate whose weekend was coming up.
There's another, glaring problem. I don't know who the real antagonist is.
As the story sits now, just as Fred makes contact with Rocks Paint (Carlos' pony name) and the other HLF rejects who are still planning an uprising from within the system, a solar flare (the sun goes dark because it's been turned into a laser) burns Fred's village to ash instantly.
Celestia blames Fred, Fred blames George (an immortal griffon that we meet shortly after the first solar flare)
And originally George was responsible. But first: I came to like his foppish charactr. And second: he has no motive and probably no opportunity/skill to pull it off) Someone is trying to kill either Fred or George, and in my head it was NOT Celestia.
The whoever-it-was was also tearing the fabric of reality apart. Not responsible for the initial CB-universe thing; that was Celestia alright but someone else is tearing smaller holes but: why? and, are the solar flares even deliberate? How could you not-be-invading but 'grab' their sun and squash it down to a small, destructive point?
What's their angle? What's their end-goal? WHO ARE THEY?!?!
I don't know. So I quit writing. But I hold out hope.

>>5926
>Everybody is OCD about something; thank you for your understanding.
yeah, I understand where you are coming from. Forgive me in advance because in spite of trying to disguise all the possible faults that could arise throughout my posts, I will have to admit that I am going mess it up.

>I have intricate thoughts, thus my tales have subtleties that intrigue me but simultaneously to remind myself of certain factual realities I add heavy-handed and short-cut statements to "finish" the tale so I can get back to what I'm trying to say ... and it turns out other people aren't like me.
many people fall into this fallacy in which the speaker assumes that everyone else will think in the same way he does. Maybe the problem relies on the lack of enough visibility so the rest could follow you.

>I was home-schooled but had no friends nor was I even vaguely accepted the few times I was in public school -- and then I had no friends at work until this last decade, and they mostly just put up with me as the bright-eyed outcast they occasionally talk over the top of.
so you are an introvert. It´s funny because while I had problems at becoming social with other people. However, it turns out that I am quite friendly in terms of attitude, just that I didn´t speak to anyone in the past and I barely trained my social skills and I didn´t find myself in an urgency for doing that. That is to say, what you complained in the previous post about me, it was a problem for me in general. I didn´t know how to speak and encourage myself to interact properly with people. Nowadays, I am an introvert who can perfectly interact with anyone but it´s certainly noticeable. Here, in this board, you are seeing a pretty sociable side of me.

In contrast, your case goes to a different direction: you master the rhetoric but you imply that other will understand you without giving them a few hints in order to find out what you actually want to express here. You could set up a few modes inside your brain and alter the discourse according to the knowledge or the circumstances of the listeners.

Still, what you have told me here doesn´t sound really uplifting.

>>5926
>Partly, this tale isn't about Fred learning to be a pony, but Fred's unsullied and insatiable desire to be his own master
alright, so now I know about his motivations...then I understand the direct jump into the guards conversation.

>Are you familiar with that "program" ? 50,000 words in 30 days.
Yeah, I had browsed it before I replied to you, I was completely aware of that program.

>You remember I said I let my mane down writing it?
Yes, you did. >>5898

>Fred gets laid by literally every mare in the village that first night, and he doesn't even speak Ponish (The language barrier is another AU-element to this piece, although I weave that into the force-of-magic forcing conformity on the natives).
Goddamn, that´s quite an achievement for him except that...

>so take out the "every mare" part and downgrade it to just the one mare who was "assigned" to his care because she was the only non-illiterate whose weekend was coming up.
you are saying that is just one and she had her own free time to do it.

>that level accidental domination is never repeated but I relied on it to explain how Fred (who named himself Forest Fire to 'blend in') grew so quickly in the ways of pony.
Well, at least you attempted to palliate it somehow but the effort was made for an abhorrent moment. That´s not an easy task but not so much when we are talking about putting out just one mare instead of living the wet dream.

>the other HLF rejects who are still planning an uprising from within the system,
That´s why they leave those two alone.

>someone else is tearing smaller holes but: why? and, are the solar flares even deliberate? How could you not-be-invading but 'grab' their sun and squash it down to a small, destructive point?
>What's their angle? What's their end-goal? WHO ARE THEY?!?!
Unless you introduce a 4D chess player or a third faction that has its own agenda that simply applied parallel plans regardless of this conflict among humans and ponies, I can´t answer those questions that easily. Either George knows something and is unaware of working with someone else whose plans are way darker than the ones ordered to him or that entity considered that both things were strategic to their plans?

>But I hold out hope.
never lose it.

>>5926
>I have intricate thoughts, thus my tales have subtleties that intrigue me but simultaneously to remind myself of certain factual realities I add heavy-handed and short-cut statements to "finish" the tale so I can get back to what I'm trying to say ... and it turns out other people aren't like me.
Imagine that.
Do you sometimes feel like a prisoner in your head or unable to fully describe things? Feelings, associations, deep detail that you can hardly articulate into words? I actually know this quite well. It's hard to explain and the words fail you or you talk past the core point. The way you talk about Celestia makes me think of this that I think I have also felt or at least the taste of your words is familiar to me if that makes any sense.

>There's another, glaring problem. I don't know who the real antagonist is.
>Someone is trying to kill either Fred or George, and in my head it was NOT Celestia.
In my head? Do you write by feel? As in you write and just know that certain things should be a certain way? I do... or have done so on my couple of attempts of serious larger projects in the pre /endpone/ past. I actually think your fic is quite fixable but it depends on what your goal is.

Do you want it to be a like a murder mystery? You want there to be some kind of plot twist and have the character be established before for a plot twist.

Or do you want a different player who you interdouncee later but have it fit within the setting?

I think the remedies I could suggest be rather simple believe it or not but I have to know your goals and what you desire first.

>>5921
>Before diving into the little story shown here, I would prefer reading at how both universes human and ponies are separate without collapsing in terms of matter but manage to stay in contact with each other (like they did with Sunset and Celestia)
Conversion Bureau universe was conceived pre Equestria Girls. Though I have no doubt some, possibly a lot, probably have explored it. The setting is based on the assumptions of Equestria being a utopia and Celestia a Tyrant that were so common in the early fandom. Plus even when not basing it in a pre-Twicorn timeframe is the fact that the Equestria Girls world doesn't fit neatly with some a gritty drama involving a (usually) more realistic earth. Which is something that happens in a lot of first contact fics (and fair bit of fics in general when not drawing on EQG explicitly). Having alternate versions of the characters even if you have it set on earth would also complicate the ponies being a completely alien force bent on the destruction of humanity for its sins if you're playing it mostly straight.

>>5929
>Conversion Bureau universe was conceived pre Equestria Girls. Though I have no doubt some, possibly a lot, probably have explored it. The setting is based on the assumptions of Equestria being a utopia and Celestia a Tyrant that were so common in the early fandom.
yeah, I knew that this fanfic was written in 2011 so it wouldn´t make sense to combine both. I was simply clearing my personal preferences up towards those two different settings and what I would be the most familiar with, so this whole universe sounds completely alien to me and considering that I am so used to discussing the established lore, I have no right to discuss this with the well informed opinions he is asking for. Maybe I could walk away from this discussion even though he has already unfolded his actual problem without showing up all the details. It mostly relies on how he contemplates the conflict and the question that he is actually looking for. You have replied to the root of his problem with these lines:

>You want there to be some kind of plot twist and have the character be established before for a plot twist.
>Or do you want a different player who you interdouncee later but have it fit within the setting?
the fic is begging to be twisted and add another pathway to solve his doubts. The biggest effort would consist in integrating those new elements on the table and advance the plot without creating new plotholes on it nor going for the Deux Ex Machina route.

Back to my previous point, I was simply showing up how disengaged I feel towards this AU, mostly because of the stories that the setting implies and how a fanfic writer could embrace it. quite possibly going over the top around the conflict among these two factions.

>Plus even when not basing it in a pre-Twicorn timeframe is the fact that the Equestria Girls world doesn't fit neatly with some a gritty drama involving a (usually) more realistic earth.
Definitely the spin off series doesn´t arrive at those levels of drama at all and another problem would arise when one tries to blend both worlds in.

>Having alternate versions of the characters even if you have it set on earth would also complicate the ponies being a completely alien force bent on the destruction of humanity for its sins if you're playing it mostly straight.
Which is also another issue on top of what I have said.

>>5928
>Unless you introduce a 4D chess player

>>5929
>Or do you want a different player

Given the idea of the argument between the different universes' Celestias (but then my problem is, if canon Celestia offers amnesty, is Forest Fire's basket of feelz heavy enough to force him back to his prior pains? What if he could bring just Autumn Breeze through with him?)

I think the resolution needs to be, Fred/Forest Fire goes off on a quest to stop the 3rd party.
Further, the Fred we meet in the opening chapters is brilliant in certain areas but focuses that effort on being just altruistic enough to comfortably remain a narcissistic shut-in (hmm. where did I get that image from)
In order to force Fred to grow, he needs to seek out aid, accept both the help he's offered and the strings that go with it, and he needs to put everything of his own at risk for someone else's benefit.
IOW Fred needs to make alliances with the HLF-rejects, the slowly-building earth pony rising, and even Luna to rip open the worlds for him to travel and kill the invading force (machine? Maybe its a spell engine, DnD style, that flopped off its axis and is screwing with Tyrantlestia's empire-devour spells).

The deus ex machina is clearly a frindship-magic blocking ring. It would let him cast spells up through mid-unicorn energy levels but also make him functionally invisible even to earth ponies.
Hardmode: he gets one mid-story, and needs to use it to sneak through the castle where Celestia keeps the only copy of her 'twist universe path' spell that she casts every four to six centuries. The castle is already rife with multiverse holes and in most other worlds that metal acts as anti-magic, so Forest will need to rip the ring off periodically, keep it handy, and 'feel' when to slip it back on before the butler on the outside of the door figures out there's an extra pony in the bedroom for some reason.

>>5975
With you opening the door to different universes you have a lot of tools at your disposal. Let's see

Fred/Forest Fire goes off on a quest to stop the 3rd party.
This quest needs to have him seek out aid and have to do something for somepony else other than himself.

If universe hoping is involved, how about another Equestria as the other faction? You could have plenty of more exotic choices; like a universe that was ruled by the same Tyrant Celestia but was overthrown and they are starting to meddle is this CB bureau's affairs? A crazed pony from a ruined world who wants to destroy all alicorns regardless? A Princess Celestia from a world that is trying to subvert both the CB and Earth? Possibilities are endless.

Though if you are looking for a player from your CB I still think there are several candidates that could be a compelling antagonist. You could have it be some figure from within Equestria who is out to kill all competition. How about a power hungry Blueblood with an Alicorn Amulet who has set up shop secretly somewhere? If you have Cadence exist you could have her as someone who is in change of CB brainwashing with a more horrifying version of her vaguely established emotion powers. A trip to a warped Crystal Empire that was on the edge of the bubble when Equestria first teleported over and bore the brunt of a brief Human retaliation could be a pretty cool setting if you ask me.

>The deus ex machina is clearly a frindship-magic blocking ring. It would let him cast spells up through mid-unicorn energy levels but also make him functionally invisible even to earth ponies.
>The castle is already rife with multiverse holes and in most other worlds that metal acts as anti-magic
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Where does he get this ring? If this ring blocks magic how is able to cast spells (or is friendship magic just the magic of the earth ponies.)

>>5982
>Similar to how shade-5 "blocks light" but only really the red part of the spectrum, the "anti-magic" rings of this universe just block "friendship-enforcing" and the further you get from that "wavelength" the more energy that will pass through.
That is actually pretty well thought out for a device like that. You really do try to come up with the underlying stuff.

>Because its curses are a little nonspecific aside from some form of insanity
I don't know how conservative of to the show you are trying to keep things (because it is the Conversion Bureau we are talking about here) but the alicorn amulet is a good choice both on the front that it allows you to supercharge any magic using character (and perhaps non magic using) you want without having to invent something out of the blue. You could even add onto things and say: Alicorns are more resistant to the negative effects (at first) or say that even Earth Ponies it enhances their magic.

>an evil alternate-world Cadance who, having ruined her own world, is trying to break into the nearest neighbor.
That could be either the edgiest thing ever or the a very compelling villain that would catch people of guard. I think for Cadence it could be special since she is not often portrayed as a villain and giving her an inverted personality with the right motivation could be more interesting than yet another edgy Twilight whose rejected friendship in someway though admittedly I think the problem with that is more of poor writing than just saturation itself but that is a discussion for another time.

>Or too, perhaps this world doesn't have changelings, and they're not ... from the blasted wastelands, but again a neighboring universe.
And they could have a whole host of motivations. Perhaps the town was destroyed simply do to a rough solar flare set off from their magic and they just gradually become a threat as they leak in. Or it could be Chrysalis briefly hijacking the sun to use against Fred because her changeling spies see him as a threat to her own take over.

>The HLF can bring their small army of unicorns with human personalities into the battle to hold back the horde, and Fred can venture into their lands
That would check out everything you wanted.

>>5982
>Or too, perhaps this world doesn't have changelings, and they're not ... from the blasted wastelands, but again a neighboring universe.
well, it seems that a few ideas are floating inside your head (and probably aiming at an interesting direction), I am adapting the lurker mode (for the most part) for this discussion but I wanted to point out a little detail:

https://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/03/story-conversion-bureau.html

If you check the dates of the original fic, the latest update happened in May 2011 and A Canterlot Wedding didn´t air in the US until April 2012.

If you are planning to add an evil Cadence or Chrysalis, you could either take advantage of the fact that the original story was left unfinished (meaning that if Blaze had updated the fic with new chapters, changelings could have perfectly appeared in this universe) or like you have said here, combining alternate universes might be the most suitable option here for this resolution.


Just wanted to clarify that.

>>5987
> latest update happened in 5/11
>A Canterlot Wedding didn´t air until 4/12
And eleven months is the gestation of a new foal. Also I don't care because this is about accidental alicorns, not historical accuracy.

So, having grown up attending a church that seemingly believed that "if the KJV was good enough for the apostle Paul, it's good enough for me" I was actually pleased to hear Luna return with an archaic speech pattern, and fain would I hear more of it.

BUT I'm not sure, in this particular sequence if I've gotten all the particulars into the "okay" range. Let me post it, and then go through and clean in up ... and you two can say which is better.

(posting char limit is...? Oh look, its 4096.)
||||

Fred was typing furiously at his console, but every command gave errors in Farsi. For some reason he could read Farsi but his keyboard didn't have those characters so he couldn't refactor his code. Not helping any, was the fact his keyboard only had two keys. One each for his left finger, and his right. Neither key had a legend anyway so he wasn't sure, once he became aware of what he was dreaming, how he could type anything anyway.

He flapped his wings in frustration, and someone sharing his cubicle, still human, complained about personal space issues. What was making Fred sweat, though, was the sound of the boss' feet across the industrial carpet. He was walking up the aisle now, and would chew him out any minute. In fact, here he was now.

”Fred Soleman.” Standing at the entrance to the quad desk cubicle, was a purple mare, her horn stately in its poise, her tiny crown held secure between flowing blue forelock and stately horn. Her back was adorned by large wings, the tips of which just reached a crescent moon image formed by alternating hair colors of her coat.

”I guess this means I'm asleep. Would explain the keyboard issues.” He shoved his station's input peripherals against the wall, to the scowls of his imaginary coworkers.

”Let us move to an empty ...” She looked around the cubicle, unsure what to call the corkboard walled region, but decided on ”room. shall we?” Princess Luna stepped back a little, then walked away to a nearby quad whose fluorescent lights didn't flicker like the ones overhead were. When equine Fred arrived, there were two benches suitable for the pony form, and Luna had seated herself in one, her face as hard as stone as her gaze followed Fred's entrance.

”I'm a little fuzzy about what's going on in the real world; lucid dreaming has always been elusive for me.” But having said that, a hazelnut latte appeared in a mug not unlike the earth-pony mug he had been given when he first arrived into town months early. He wasn't too sure about the table it was on, if that had been there either. Sipping on his hot drink, he took a deep breath, the delicious smell of a drink he had never heard any pony reference let him drift into daydream within the dream.

>>6024
”Canst relax so soon after murdering?”

Forest opened his eyes, and looked to Luna for clarification. Hearing nothing, he remembered the sunstrike in Appleloosa. ”I didn't think anyone at the train station died?” Not to mention I didn't do that, but I get I'm still a suspect, or whatever. Luna only raised an eyebrow. ”The sunstrike; knocked a train car off the track and into the station still on fire. Some ponies hurt, but not myself. Moved to a canyon I found hoping not to see the sun for a while until you guys could track down who was doing that.” Best not to mention I still think Celestia is the most likely suspect at the moment. Luna may not get along perfectly with Celestia, but they've been living in the same building for millenia, if their story is taken at face value.

”I had not heard there was another.” She looked at the table briefly, and a wineglass appeared. ”Appleloosa? Thou has traveled quickly, Fred Soleman. But I meant not the earth ponies, rather mine royal guard.” Fred was still fuzzy headed, so he asked for clarification. ”Korp Moon Shadow was due to arrive at an orientation town for human newfoals. She did not.” She's fine. I know that name. How do I know she's fine?

”She's with me. I think she might be curled up next to me I don't remember. But we.” Almost too late, Fred realized he shouldn't give away his association with the pony division of the HLF. Luna's eyes narrowed, and she put the wine glass back down.

But she just stared at the wine glass for a breath, then said without looking up. ”Thou'rt in the silver mines, not the canyon floor.” She assumes Korp is the other half of 'we.' ”Fred Soleman.” She looked up now, anger drained from her face but not the intensity of her command. ”Wake. Tell Korp to sleep under the stars. Tell her that I wish to speak with her, if thou wish.”

”You can find my dreams but not hers?” If he was about to wake up, he wanted to finish his latte first. Fred gulped deep.

”Mayhap that she be not asleep. More likely, that thou'rt too deep and only thy sheer volume of magic allow me this contact. Indeed Fred Soleman, that thou'rt still unlucid shows us my dream magic be limited in scope in the place where thou lay thy head.”

>>6025
>>6024

Hmm. Just a couple word changes, and one sentence.
|||||

”I'm a little fuzzy about what's going on in the real world"
[...]
”I had not heard there was another.” She looked at the table briefly, and a wineglass appeared. ”Appleloosa? Thou has traveled quickly, Fred Soleman. But I meant not the earth ponies, rather mine royal guard.” Fred was still fuzzy headed, so he asked for clarification. ”Korp Moon Shadow was due to arrive at an orientation-town for human newfoals. She didst not.” She's fine. I know that name. How do I know she's fine?
[...]
”Thou'rt in the silver mines, not merely upon the canyon floor.” She assumes Korp is the other half of 'we.' ”Fred Soleman.” She looked up now, anger drained from her face but not the intensity of her command. ”Wake. Instruct Korp to sleep under the stars; that I wish to speak with her." Blinking for a moment, perhaps realizing she might not have much control over a fellow alicornified conscript who could hide even from dream, she somewhat more meekly added "If thou wouldst."

”You can find my dreams but not hers?” If he was about to wake up, he wanted to finish his latte first. Fred gulped deep.

”Mayhap it be that she is not asleep. But more likely that thou'rt too deep and only thy sheer volume of magic allow me even this contact. Indeed Fred Soleman, that thou'rt still unlucid proves my dream magic be limited in scope in the place where thou layest thine head.”

>>6024
>Let me post it, and then go through and clean in up ... and you two can say which is better.
I was about to reply to this piece with some observations tonight after reading it...

but I don't have it all that clear.


Proof of Life Shitpost just to notify that I have read it.

>>6024
>>6025
>>6026
”I had not heard there was another.” She looked at the table briefly, and a wineglass appeared. ”Appleloosa? Thou has traveled quickly, Fred Soleman. But I meant not the earth ponies, rather mine royal guard.” Fred was still fuzzy headed, so he asked for clarification. ”Korp Moon Shadow was due to arrive at an orientation town for human newfoals. She did not.” She's fine. I know that name. How do I know she's fine?
VS
”I had not heard there was another.” She looked at the table briefly, and a wineglass appeared. ”Appleloosa? Thou has traveled quickly, Fred Soleman. But I meant not the earth ponies, rather mine royal guard.” Fred was still fuzzy headed, so he asked for clarification. ”Korp Moon Shadow was due to arrive at an orientation-town for human newfoals. She didst not.” She's fine. I know that name. How do I know she's fine?
I frankly lean more to the 'didst' and 'wouldst'. This naturally comes with the caveats that I have little experience writing for Luna in this way and that I'm not sure I have the best grasp for telling you if it is erroneous.

But she just stared at the wine glass for a breath, then said without looking up. ”Thou'rt in the silver mines, not the canyon floor.” She assumes Korp is the other half of 'we.' ”Fred Soleman.” She looked up now, anger drained from her face but not the intensity of her command. ”Wake. Tell Korp to sleep under the stars. Tell her that I wish to speak with her, if thou wish.”
VS
”Thou'rt in the silver mines, not merely upon the canyon floor.” She assumes Korp is the other half of 'we.' ”Fred Soleman.” She looked up now, anger drained from her face but not the intensity of her command. ”Wake. Instruct Korp to sleep under the stars; that I wish to speak with her." Blinking for a moment, perhaps realizing she might not have much control over a fellow alicornified conscript who could hide even from dream, she somewhat more meekly added "If thou wouldst."
The sentence you added here 100% yes. It adds expression and makes the writing less sparse (though I think your writing is only moderately sparse at some points from what I've seen so far and I consider it serviceable). It also is a subtle sign of the power dynamic. Luna isn't submitting but is taking a step back. In fact I say that as a whole for this sequence/clip is much better written than the first.

>Also I don't care because this is about accidental alicorns, not historical accuracy.
I'd say that Luna herself would lend herself to a more lenient portrayal of such speech considering the whimsical nature of the show even in a setting such as this.

>>6026
>>6025
>I had not heard there was another.” She looked at the table briefly, and a wineglass appeared. ”Appleloosa? Thou has traveled quickly, Fred Soleman. But I meant not the earth ponies, rather mine royal guard.” Fred was still fuzzy headed, so he asked for clarification. ”Korp Moon Shadow was due to arrive at an orientation town for human newfoals. She did not.” She's fine. I know that name. How do I know she's fine?
VS
>”I had not heard there was another.” She looked at the table briefly, and a wineglass appeared. ”Appleloosa? Thou has traveled quickly, Fred Soleman. But I meant not the earth ponies, rather mine royal guard.” Fred was still fuzzy headed, so he asked for clarification. ”Korp Moon Shadow was due to arrive at an orientation-town for human newfoals. She didst not.” She's fine. I know that name. How do I know she's fine?

Didn´t vs didst

I would pick the latter here. Given that you are using thou repeated times, the tone becomes more noticeable. Same goes to wouldst as well.

>”Mayhap that she be not asleep. More likely, that thou'rt too deep and only thy sheer volume of magic allow me this contact. Indeed Fred Soleman, that thou'rt still unlucid shows us my dream magic be limited in scope in the place where thou lay thy head.”
Vs
>”Mayhap it be that she is not asleep. But more likely that thou'rt too deep and only thy sheer volume of magic allow me even this contact. Indeed Fred Soleman, that thou'rt still unlucid proves my dream magic be limited in scope in the place where thou layest thine head.”

thy vs thine

I would use thy here because there is not any vowel which follows that word so thine doesn´t work in this case.

>>6024
>And eleven months is the gestation of a new foal
Well played there.

>I don't care because this is about accidental alicorns, not historical accuracy.
I just wanted to mention that so you could raise your resolution accordingly to the established elements and nothing else.

I have a pretty clueless question though: are you using thou and thy (among other words) just because of literary purposes (for Luna´s voice, I mean) or is it because you want to bring a religious tone from your personal perspective in this fic too? I am asking this because you have also posted this quote:
>having grown up attending a church that seemingly believed that "if the KJV was good enough for the apostle Paul, it's good enough for me"
and reading this makes me feel that you are leaning halfway there by inserting these words (I think)

>>6031
>This naturally comes with the caveats that I have little experience writing for Luna in this way and that I'm not sure I have the best grasp for telling you if it is erroneous.
as far as I recall, I don´t think I have seen you writing these words for these two years in this board. One of the reasons I have found this weird was because it feels really awkward to correct someone who has had more interest in reading ancient religious texts than me and getting confused by reading these for the first time. Funnily enough, I had thought for a second last night that thou was a different way to say though and... if it weren´t because of the internet, I wouldn´t have figured it out by using my dictionary (which was printed in 1995 by the way).


Anyway, take my words with a pinch of salt.

>>6036
>or is it because you want to bring a religious tone

No, just keeping with Luna's first re-appearance where she was using archaic speech patterns while trying to talk to the peasants. It sounds more poetic, and fits with Luna's "permanently disconnected" outsider role in most stories too.

>>6035
>I would use thy here because there is not any vowel

Just looked it up (there's a concept!) it's not vowel/consonant, like a/an, but uses the same word as your (thy) and yours (thine)
so because of that, 'thy' is correct. Hafta fix that now, and see how long I can remember it for.
Have a spare .webm I found lying around.

>>6040
>fits with Luna's "permanently disconnected" outsider role in most stories too
oh, I see. I wanted to have that clear.

>(there's a concept!) it's not vowel/consonant, like a/an, but uses the same word as your (thy) and yours (thine)
I swear that if it weren´t because of the internet, I simply couldn´t have replied to you and I got it right...for the wrong reason.

However, I thought that you dominated the application of these old words but it seems that we are all quite unaware of their proper use.

>Hafta fix that now, and see how long I can remember it for.
it really depends on how many times you are going to resort to these words again.

>Have a spare .webm I found lying around.
when was this video released? in 2012?

>>6040
>Have a spare .webm I found lying around.
It has that slight to moderate jaggy look of 2011 to 2014 (at least that's where I associate that trait the most). It's unprofessional yet it is a trait that has endeared itself to me.
Have an 2014 short that I found while looking through my own archives.

>>6047
> that we are all quite unaware of their proper use.
You can say that again. Though I suppose suggestion would be to follow Luna's grammar in the show if any standard could be gleaned and apply the words in a more loose whimsical way.

>>6047
>when was this video released? in 2012?

The youtube video was "published" midJanuary of '17.
http://kgg2m7yk5aybusll.onion/watch?v=pepWxrTh1O8
With no comment that it's a re-upload or anything akin to that.

>>6056
I cannot see the link but either way, I still have my suspicions that it was released in the early era like...

>>6052
>It has that slight to moderate jaggy look of 2011 to 2014 (at least that's where I associate that trait the most).
and even the clip that you have released displays really static vectors like Rainbow Dash at 2:49 or Pinkie´s face at 4:03. I mean, they aren´t noticeable but staring at them for that single second, you notice that the same technique is applied in Luna´s clip as well.

>I suppose suggestion would be to follow Luna's grammar in the show if any standard could be gleaned and apply the words in a more loose whimsical way.
what about the script of Luna Eclipsed? She used her Canterlot voice in that episode but except for a few random lines in other episodes (maybe in Between Dusk and Dawn when Celestia and Luna argue among themselves?), I don´t recall her using the amplified mode that much.

Two things: One, my "writefags untie" thread is still in the catalog

Two: if after 20min of trying to post, I'm told I need a blockcheck before I can post, I might cry.

If I need a posting ticket, hopefully I can post twice and this is the complaining one because it's small.
Oh, and bump. Have you been writing?

Update. Nope. Different tabs, whatever. I got the complaint anyway (twice) :-( Uh, try again? Watch for the comic thread to update ... in a little while.

>>6492
>Two: if after 20min of trying to post, I'm told I need a blockcheck before I can post, I might cry.
Was it giving you flood errors or saying you needed to bot check again? I've never had it do that with me after I do it once and I'm on tor

>Oh, and bump. Have you been writing?
I'm been working on a couple of things. You?

>>6495
Bot-check. It generated the cookie from this tab/thread but the submission attempt elsewhere didn't include it, I guess, from the start.

>You?
I still have not put words to files or paper since the shutdown started. Went horseback riding yesterday, bike riding the day before -- have had scenes float through that could be made, either for my Fallout-Eq piece or the conversion bureau. But I've been too busy, although some of that has been playing The Bureau, or I've just re-installed Fallout New-Vegas.

>>6496
> still have not put words to files or paper since the shutdown started.
I have only a few rough ones. Main idea been floating aroud lately has been making something with a few super obscure characters. Pic related.

>Went horseback riding yesterday, bike riding the day before
That sounds pretty nice. Hard to think some folks have been locked up all throughout this

> although some of that has been playing The Bureau, or I've just re-installed Fallout New-Vegas.
I know little of either (but Fallot I know more of due to Fallout Equestria and my brother). Though that goes to show you never known when inspiration will strike and for all you know that playthrough could lead to horsewords.

>>6540
Random lurker faggot here. I'm on a nostigia bend. Thanks for some early partially cringe yet also strangely entertaining fictions. I love 2011 pre Season 2 final 2012fics in all there chaos and freedom. I may honestly review it as it seems that the /endpone/ way is go a bit more indepth with things

>>6554
>I may honestly review it

Glad you liked it; please overlook simple spelling errors not because I think they don't matter or want other people to stop bothering me (Hey I do it to; such as, "2012fics in all their* glory") but rather because as I brought this over from its storage place and realized how bad just simple spelling and grammar was (I think I was up past 2AM for days writing this in my spare time) I also decided not to update the "original" because it would look a little like something new had been uploaded, and I didn't want to lose momentum getting it to folks here so ... I made almost no changes.

I would fix the obvious stuff if I were to try and re-upload it somewhere outside of nostalgia about where my writing career began.

>>6554
>I may honestly review it as it seems that the /endpone/ way is go a bit more indepth with things
/endpone/ does have a dynamic that distinguish itself from other boards. It´s so small that you have to imply that your replies might not even get replies in exchange.

What I mean with this is that, if you review an episode, a comic, a fanfic, etc; you´ve got to imply beforehand that other users MIGHT NOT do that as an answer. So, as a mechanism to balance that, you can perfectly expose all that want to say about it. Even if it overshadows the opinions coming from those other users who might say something afterwards, just simply give your own version of everything that you would like to say here. If you can bring to the spotlight certain key points or even the whole thing over here, I suggest you to do it because there is not an assurance or enough certainty that the other anons would bring that up.

>>6555
>rather because as I brought this over from its storage place and realized how bad just simple spelling and grammar was
I believe that the biggest grammar nazi that demands it so explictly out of this whole board so... as long as the spelling isn´t atrocious or diminishes greatly the reading experience, I believe that the average user wouldn´t keep that in mind too much. Perhaps they would mention it as a secondary aspect and said users help you as proofreaders. Oh well...

>I would fix the obvious stuff if I were to try and re-upload it somewhere outside of nostalgia about where my writing career began.
do you have a FimFiction/FimFetch account for archiving this stuff? I mean, SiVC started here in this thread and then, found success on /mlp/...so perhaps could work as an inconsequential first attempt in public and then, fix those mistakes for the final registered version on the other MLP fansites.

I am saying this because Endchan doesn´t offer an archive so all this material could be technically lost until Odilitime feels like creating one. Perhaps we´ll find ourselves in the year 2050 and Endchan doesn´t have an archive, (at this rate, I would find myself shocked if he created one earlier) so the stuff that stands out should be registered somewhere else just in case.

>>6555
>but rather because as I brought this over from its storage place and realized how bad just simple spelling and grammar was (I think I was up past 2AM for days writing this in my spare time
This has some but I've managed to enjoy far worse. Hell, one of the best Sweetie Bot fics had horrible spelling from a non native english speaker. Speaking of pose.


> She was so calm though. Then she had no soonerfallen asleep than she jumped up and started scream-ing about monsters and seeing Applejack’s granny ...Well, you know your majesty, about the incursion fromthat army. We’re all glad my sister is alive but why. Imean." Sweat was making Rarity feel very warm.Twilight was also present but politely waiting forSweetie Belle who was strangely silent after all the fussearlier in the evening. Now she felt the need to step upto explain to her teacher. "She sounded for a time likethe old Sweetie Belle. Scared beyond her wits’ end butSweetie Belle.
It has a slight manandering way to its pose. Not the worst I've seen but it has that 2012 mid tier feel. Do you have any fics that are newer that I could see to compare?

>>6557
>What I mean with this is that, if you review an episode, a comic, a fanfic, etc; you´ve got to imply beforehand that other users MIGHT NOT do that as an answer.
Huh? Are you saying the board is so small that you might not reply so it ends up being long? I don't follow.

>>6558
Opps, that is Derpi drama stuff, meant to post this.

>>6558
>Do you have any fics that are newer that I could see to compare?

if you scroll up in this thread, you'll see discussions of my Conversion Bureau piece, although I don't remember now how big of a segment I posted and it's kind of just in the middle.

On & off again I go back to working on First Courier, an FoE piece that Nymphanon from 8ch helped me greatly with. As with so many of my written works it just gets somewhere north of 50,000 words and ... stops.
But if you really wanted to see it I could fish it out.
Attached is a random page from vaguely near the start, to give you an idea of some of the differences.

>>6558
>Huh? Are you saying the board is so small that you might not reply so it ends up being long? I don't follow.
more or less. I meant to express with this statement that unlike /mlp/, one shouldn´t expect that others do the replies and an "invisible hand" fills the holes. It might frequently appear, especially nowadays, but one shouldn´t feel disgruntled if it doesn´t happen.

So if one wants to gleam every reflection towards a specific thing, the try will be mostly inconsequential but you will have that amount of freedom to cover up points that one wouldn´t normally bring up. What I mean here is that the review can afford the fact that it can be entertaining by itself without setting up a deadline. You may not have the warranty of getting an answer. In contrast, you can approach said content with very different ways that wouldn´t fit for a quicker pace.

Given that we are so few, I recommend bringing a few points of discussion because the threads here advance because of the posts themselves. That´s what someone would call " board culture" when in reality, it´s just a method to liven up and continue the thread.

>>6560
Much better. Glad to see you still use semi-colons.
https://theweek.com/articles/460487/defense-semicolon
https://killzoneblog.com/2010/10/great-semi-colon-debate.html
We got to protect them you know; loved cared for and charished.

>But if you really wanted to see it I could fish it out.
Maybe, I'll got IRL stuff so I'm not sure I'd have the time to say much.

I also really like the green formating. Reminds me of old html sites.

>>6561
>What I mean here is that the review can afford the fact that it can be entertaining by itself without setting up a deadline. You may not have the warranty of getting an answer. In contrast, you can approach said content with very different ways that wouldn´t fit for a quicker pace.
This is true. The posting on this board is rather healthy for a site of this size. Usually when I find boards with a less than 10000 post count their just mostly dead or anons who bump into each other sometimes. This is one of the healthiest small boards I've ever seen. Their is long hardy discusion on a varity of subjects and shitposting is below 20% of total posts when it should be 90%.

>>6582
>Their is long hardy discusion on
Fuck, I messed up. I hate it yet I do it so much. It's one of the reasons why I gave up on being a grammer Nazi, I am truely retarded at it.

>>6583
if pointing at flaws were by itself a weapon, you would run out of ammunition pretty soon over here. Trust me.

>>6582
>The posting on this board is rather healthy for a site of this size. Usually when I find boards with a less than 10000 post count their just mostly dead or anons who bump into each other sometimes.
I mean, one could perfectly shitpost and have some good fun for a while. But what happens when playtime is over? You have tell something, otherwise what do we do here? So, in this case, you can afford certain styles of posting that in other chans you wouldn´t do because of the fast rate. Sure, you cannot troll nor spam for reaching as many victims as you would on 4chan because the traffic is so low that you are basically baiting with the same victims. At some point, you are like: "okay, is there anything else that you have to say? Because it´s getting boring at this point"

Then, this board admitted and agreed that imitating /mlp/ could be done at any moment. Right now, I could set up like 3 or 4 meme threads in very few minutes and copypaste the same style that you would find on /mlp/. However, for that practice, I already have /mlp/ with much more traffic and thus, what do I gain by doing this over here? Where is the benefit?

>This is one of the healthiest small boards I've ever seen. Their is long hardy discusion on a varity of subjects and shitposting is below 20% of total posts when it should be 90%.
thanks for the compliment although this can be easily ruined at any moment. In fact, it wasn´t meant to happen and nobody knew at the time how things would pan out. So, enjoy it while it lasts because there is nothing here that guarantees you what could happen tomorrow despite being more settled than it did in previous years.

If there is something that has defined this board is that any user that deals with a board of such a small size, is that one should certainly imply that everything could end tomorrow. So if you´ve got something to express and add even further than the average post you would come up with, you´ve got an unexpectedly suitable environment for doing so.

>>6790
In the first couple of chapters. Writing is more clean than that CB fic. I especially dig, well:

>Nogg shook some of his unruly green forelock out of his eyes,and added "Somepony should talk to that guard, see what they were told to do. Maybe they’ll want to keep tabson where the skyrats are more than actually intimidate their movements." Setting histeacup on the metal floor, since the only table in the house was too small for this manyponies to gather around, he flapped his wings and offered "Actually, why don’t I do thatnow? I’m probably the least scary of our group, aren’t I?"

You're describing the environment with the gestures of the characters and having some subtle descriptive details. I like that quite a lot and it gives a real feel to them eating with the meal. Almost comfy despite the dark details, like Pear Rump having lose her eyes.

If I had one criticism, I was having a bit of trouble following whose is who with a bunch of names through out right away without much description of who they are or what they look like. Still, this is a preliminary read of just two chapters so I can't say how strong of a criticism that is.

>>6582
>I also really like the green formating.
Me too. Like his use of all caps in a slightly different font is pretty appealing to my eye. The light green font on a dark green bacckground looks nice and it's fairly readable.

Any particular reasoning with the choice CB? Or is me and that anon just gushing over something out of random?

>>6794
>Any particular reasoning with the choice CB?

Somewhere along the way I realized I hated white-background+black-text.
I experimented a bit, and it occurred to me that hospitals choose "soothing greens"
Now, it takes a bit of finessing to make sure everything else is legible too, and the dark-blue hyperlink color is completely illegible on most slightly-dark backgrounds, but for the most part I have this scheme on every computer I use.

>I was having a bit of trouble following who was who
Ah, yes... This is a continuation, eventually to be completely merged with part one from '14 if I finish it. So while I reference the first part (which literally ends with Pear Rump, her eyes burned away, being flown back to the village) but once I'm done and ready to merge them I need to reduce those callbacks as they'll seem silly when it's all in the same book.

Searching Twibooru for 'mechanical augmentation' turns up some really good images, btw, though it seems I only saved the one I just posted, above.

>>6798
>I experimented a bit, and it occurred to me that hospitals choose "soothing greens"
This is interesting. Honestly kind of like the look.

What web browser is that, out of curosity?

>Ah, yes... This is a continuation, eventually to be completely merged with part one from '14
Should I continue on reading this part or should wait for completion/ one from 2014 first?

>Searching Twibooru for 'mechanical augmentation' turns up some really good images, btw
Twibooru I believe is the largest pony related booru at this point due to its no DNP, uploading Derpibooru's old archives and piracy of patreon content

>though it seems I only saved the one I just posted, above.
Are you looking for anything in particular with that I could be on the lookout for? Say a mare with fake eyes?

>>6803
>What web browser is that
https://palemoon.org

Pale moon (written by a fury, according to some -- he does have a werewolf avatar on his forums) with the MicroMoon theme and the foxclocks and NoScript add-ons, both of which create their widgets on that screenshot.

>Should I continue on reading
I keep thinking I'm going to "clean up" the first part the rest of the way and then publish a chapter a week, or something, on FiMFiction. So I've been just a bit hesitant to post the whole thing because it might take away some of my thunder
Except...

Nobody reads or comments on my other tales, and even fewer come here. So it's not like I have much thunder to steal -- but the now 3? people that come here don't seem to be FoE fans.

eh; I could post it or try to come up with cliffnotes. As to the title and its inspiration, if you've played Fallout-NV's "lonesome road" expansion, you know who Ulysses is, and I was fascinated by how poetically he talks about the impact of trade routes, and I wanted to explore the very early stages of rebuilding Equestrian society. So, this follows an accidental courier, a scant twelve decades after balefire scrubbed the surface of any form of life. That puts it eight decades shy of the Pippening, if you're unfamiliar with the lore of FoE.

>Are you looking for anything in particular
Well, our PoV char is a flying unicorn, and what I posted above seems pretty close to that, though there IS an image of Derpy levitating a muffin that could plausibly be related, in its way.

>>6806
>So it's not like I have much thunder to steal -- but the now 3? people that come here don't seem to be FoE fans.
Hey, I'd be willing to give it a shot.

>Nobody reads or comments on my other tales,
How often do you upload? Do you upload all at once? Do you not have good coverart? I know these can impact it. Then again I've been out of tune with Fimfic for awhile and have only just started to dip my toes into reading fics again. Things could've changed by a lot.

>I was fascinated by how poetically he talks about the impact of trade routes, and I wanted to explore the very early stages of rebuilding Equestrian society. So, this follows an accidental courier, a scant twelve decades after balefire scrubbed the surface of any form of life. That puts it eight decades shy of the Pippening, if you're unfamiliar with the lore of FoE.
I am unfamiliar with FoE but a story like that could get my interest.

>>6790
I'm over 17.5K, so that's pretty okay considering I took a day off yesterday.

>>6806
>Well, our PoV char is a flying unicorn, and what I posted above seems pretty close to that
Would images that sort of illustrated certain movements or have a cyborg unicorn work for certain scenes in place of ones that match thee character closely?

> with the MicroMoon theme and the foxclocks and NoScript add-ons, both of which create their widgets on that screenshot.
Ah, was through off by the visual settings you got there.

>>6813
>I'm over 17.5K, so that's pretty okay considering I took a day off yesterday.
1.3K words a day on average? If I got the math right. Can't complain and with only a little crunch time you could get to your goal or close I'd think.

>>6817
Reading has been going kind of slow because of IRL but yes I have read some.

I probably should wait before I give a full opinion but I will say that, so far, I consider this writing pretty strong.

Just a different PoLS (or proof of reading shitpost?)

>>6798
>I experimented a bit, and it occurred to me that hospitals choose "soothing greens"
This seems weird and retarded. Yet part of me can't help but want to agree.

>>6813
How is the NaNoWriMo going now?

>>6904
"Ignore this asshole, your mind needs to be on what you're doing, not his spooky nonsense. Jesus, he's a bigger retard than anyone in this. I have to come up with another 'Spectacular' thread for this burnout to obsess over, just ignore his poking. Like Gumby."

>>6817
How did NaNoWriMo go? If you finished it I'm ready for that part.

...and, have been working on a little gift for you relating to this fic. It'd be more appropriate to post it when its finished with my review though

>>7074
>If you want to read the rest of what I have, I can siphon it off this evening, or thereabouts.
Go for it.

>My Gary Stu was taking way too much screen time
Yeah, I can understand that. Problem with a Gary Stu in more self incertish situations can take up oxagen and be toxic to the supporting cast's develop (not a specific complaint though).

>>>7074
>For now, it's the final look into the pre-history of the wasteland.
How does this relate to the others?

Did you mean the order of the pieces? Or how it relates to the original fiction? Fallout Equestria is set 200 years after the bombs went off, same as the video games. This is set 120 years, and well to the south of the country of Equestria, in a nameless, almost trackless desert. Far enough that the Goddess (what's left of Trixie) can barely reach/control her puppets, the alicorn monsters.

Everypony else jumped in before I got serious, so of the canon "one hundred and one stables ever built " about three hundred have been populated and filled already. So I just have a couple "off brand" knockoffs that are essentially the same as a stable-tec bomb shelter but not quite as permanent -- or deadly as the originals.

>>6817
1st segment, written in '14
>>6790
immediately follows, resolving the issue of getting blind Pear Rump into her home again.
>>6813
Low Sale explains why her training ball can't be disassembled without consequences.
Final segment, cut right after that, is in my last post.
>>7076

>>7080
The first one but both points are appreciated. Thank you.

>Everypony else jumped in before I got serious, so of the canon "one hundred and one stables ever built " about three hundred have been populated and filled already
I have little familiarity with Fallout Equestria but is their a "thing" against mutiple stables sharing the same name in that community? Or is it more of everybody trying to fit into canon?

>>7164
>is their a "thing" against mutiple stables sharing the same name

A part of what is loved about Fallout lore is the history of a particular vault, or 'stable' here.

As one song quotes, "You have to understand ... the stables were never designed to save anypony.

They're all screwed up, deliberately, leading to a uniquely catastrophic failure. The FoE canon reason was the CMC believed pony society, as they understand it, was fundamentally flawed to have ever allowed this war to happen in the first place. So each stable, sans two (#1 & #2, for specific familiar reasons) were designed as a laboratory of sorts. A test run to see if wildly changing just this one aspect would fix everything which of course it didn't. Even the stable where the stallions ran things sorta fell apart, though that wasn't cultural so much as a hardware failure, I think. I don't remember now.

>>7164
I totally wrote a response to this last night, and the End ate it. It was late (early) and I'd hoped it was just taking its time deciding to display it but ...

Anyway, because of the way each stable is a unique way to fix all of society by screwing it up in a new and different way, yes each stable number needs to be unique to the social experiment being run in it.

>>7165
>familiar reasons

There's my post!
And that was meant to say familial - Stable 1 was meant to save (destroy, out of spite) the royal sisters and their courtiers who got us all into this mess, and stable 2, which was where the CMC were going to retreat with their families -- although none of them made it, in true Fallout style.

>>7166
>
Anyway, because of the way each stable is a unique way to fix all of society by screwing it up in a new and different way, yes each stable number needs to be unique to the social experiment being run in it.
I think I get it. Though part of me goes to "Why not AUs/sure, keep canon with main and major stories, but not all of them".

>>7165
I must say, reading your stories, inspite of my distaste post apocalyptic settings, and discusing the lore in general may get me to finally check Fallout Equestria.

>>7167
>And that was meant to say familial - Stable 1 was meant to save (destroy, out of spite) the royal sisters and their courtiers who got us all into this mess, and stable 2, which was where the CMC were going to retreat with their families -- although none of them made it, in true Fallout style.
Certainly dark!

>>7167
>There's my post!
Glad it appeared! Man, it's so annoying when something is lost. Had it happen to me today on another site.

>>7168
>Certainly dark!
Truly dark...
https://twibooru.org/1872686?q=stable+2
>A Picture i’e been working on for a month –
i wanted to capture the last moments of the Ministry Mares, The Mane 6, in Fallout Equestria.
Fluttershy turning in a tree, The sealing of Stable 2 with Aj inside, Pinkies last moment in her Manehatten Hub, Rainbow Dashs nd Gildas last flight school dance, Twilights death in the Marypony facility provocated by Trixie and finally the heric death o Rarity in Canterlot’s Ministry of Peace Hub.

Oh, hey. It turns out I spent some time ... probably late in '14, maybe early '15 making a PNG in the OC creator, to try and visualize my erstwhile ambassador to the clouds.

>>7258
Oh, deep lore over here. Noice.

>probably late in '14, maybe early '15 making a PNG in the OC creator, to try and visualize my erstwhile ambassador to the clouds.
Erstwhile? So,where is the most recent one? Was this image a leftover while you were creating the intended OC for that role?

>>7259
Erstwhile ambassador because as a blankflank he hasn't represented anypony yet. And since the town he used to live in is going to get blown up through overactive curiosity, thus accidentally vaporizing nearly every pegasus willing to entreat with the ground, he's not likely to get much firsthoof experience at it, either.

Maybe in the epilogue he can negotiate a trade deal between two bands of raider family-groups.

>>7260
Does he face any misfortune while carrying it out for the first few times?

I mean,that lack of experience sounds like a very juicy plot device for running into constant problems until he gets used to it in the epilogue.

The interesting question would be what moment(s),out of those misadventures, would stand out the most in his track record.

>>7557
Neat! I will get back to this.

PoLS for now.

>>7557
How do a haiku?
Can I follow the rule though?
Did I already fail?

My urge is to rhyme.
But the stars aren't aliened, though
Poetry wasn't strong.

A mere simpleton I am.
My grasp English uncertain.
But you raise ponish?

//My what a burden! See I want to rhyme.

Ponies speak something.
Their tough we cannot know it.
Is it even horse?

Show English laden.
Meanings drawn impossible for pones.
Drowned in culture.
//This line don't work well, I mean in our culture some meaning are rooted and may not go with completely horse sounds. Similar to how some pony tools looks made for humans.

If we study their words.
Horseshoes and symbols unknown;
yet a latin script.

//Alright, too tired to do more at the moment but I may give another go at this.

**
>Which amusingly, got a reply of high praise.
You taught me to how to do it properly maybe So you get some high praise as well.

Most of the gist of my thoughts are in the haiku though I have a theory to suggest that I will post later Too tired right now

I guess this was a PoLHP (Proof of Life Haiku post?)

This maybe of tangential value:
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/770210/a-study-in-old-ponish

are any of you familiar with "poetry"? How about the villanelle? I listened to a podcast recently that mentioned it, though I'd heard it before, and named as your writing "homework" to write your own poem.
Uhm ... here you go?


a noise made -- locate that!
packed and encamped, a trek for hell.
both ponies and there we sat.

treasure interdimensionally, we assumed they were right
straight outta Doom, portal tech's might.
A noise made -- locate that!

A thousand steps starting in the middle of nowhere
technical intereference, rules & laws only in this sphere.
both ponies and there we sat.

Men? Mice? Found our packs and off we trek.
Every enemy and obstacle at our reserves did peck.
A noise made -- locate that!

Scientists all wrong, this wasn't what we thought,
their magic here didn't work like anything we were taught.
both ponies and there we sat.

Natives watch as you change you when you go through.
now one of the locals, whether you walked, leapt or flew.
"a noise made -- locate that!"
both ponies, and there we sat.

>>7572
>are any of you familiar with "poetry"?
Not very, as I said:
>>7560
>Poetry wasn't strong.
...
>A mere simpleton I am.
>My grasp English uncertain.

>Uhm ... here you go?
Honestly, I think it works well enough. My lack of knowedge on the subject not withstanding.

>A noise made -- locate that!
>both ponies and there we sat.
I think it has a slight Dr. Suess quallity with the use of "that" and "sat" again based off my limited knowledge of poetry but I find this working well enough both in a cute way and in contrast with such lines as:
>packed and encamped, a trek for hell.
>straight outta Doom, portal tech's might.

I will go ahead and try another one (or two) soon.

In the process of looking for screenshots of an old GT I wrote, I realized I still had the outline and had kept in pastebin, the GT that resullted.

In the event you want to be inspired to write something pony related, consider this setup:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MHPxDf3_zh5spgHn5lx2EhwRvTOe5vCxok_Qba7Ci7Q/edit

It'll be active a day or two, anyway.
And the GT that resulted, of the first half of their lives:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r8owDjuuauLCMHxkYyXEz4A54nIdp3R9dobDz-u6bpE/edit

>>7755
>I've played it various ways. It seems the show writers were certainly thinking they live more than a hundred years.
I have thought about it too from various angles and swayed back and forth over the years. Part of me thinks them living at least a little longer would make sense in a lot of areas, from the timing of certain flashbacks to how multiple, albeit, usually magically inclined seem to have pretty lengthy lifespans. If the world is magic and magic grants longevity then it would be a no brainier to have it apply on a smaller scale to some of the regular ponies as well.

Though it also creates some issues. In particular, if ponies can live too much longer then a hundred it makes everypony forgetting about Nightmare Moon make even less sense.

>I know that the CB universe asserts ponies live to be about 300 or so, which would be in keeping with the changes seen in that episode though CB lore is much older, as I recall, than the original Conversion Bureau
Funny enough, whenever I think of a fic that has that in play I recall a dark Rarity serial killer fic about her and the ramifications for her family, in particular Sweetie Belle, with SB having her own foal fully grown up and going through the same process and the author was saying after, what, 40+ years the mane 6 were just starting to enter middle age. Don't know why I associate it with that one but I do.

>universe asserts ponies live to be about 300 or so
“Yes,” replied the old lady, “they must also die, and their term oflife is even shorter than ours. We sometimes live to three hundredyears, but when we cease to exist here we only become the foam onthe surface of the water, and we have not even a grave down hereof those we love. We have not immortal souls, we shall never liveagain; but, like the green sea-weed, when once it has been cut off,we can never flourish more. Human beings, on the contrary, have asoul which lives forever, lives after the body has been turned todust. It rises up through the clear, pure air beyond the glitteringstars. As we rise out of the water, and behold all the land of theearth, so do they rise to unknown and glorious regions which weshall never see.”
Original Little Mermaid. Just a coincidence no doubt but it does bring to mind a possible interesting thematic element with that. and kind of horrifying and sad

> This way you can have those issues come up without needing to go to space.
True. Though by the time I would be through with it I could see myself getting focused solely on those aspects and completely separated from the prompt.

> Yes.
More yes.

While this is the "breakup" scene, technically it was written first -- but the few readers on /gtpone/ wanted to see how it started, so I wrote the other one later. To which I think the exact response was a breathless "WOW you really set a tone with this!"
Although cuckchan thought it meandered aimlessly and had too many spelling errors co create a discernible story.
I honestly don't think the self-appointed editors in the FiM thread speak English -- all their advice is flat-out wrong.

||||

>Roasting Hops tried to put her champagne glass back down without breaking it.
>Or let her thumping heart break her ribcage.
>"Anon, it's been so long."
>She discreetly eyed the places she remembered him keeping his sharp implements.
>They were covered by clothing; they weren't drawn. He wasn't here to kill her.
>Yet.

>Anon sat himself in the small pony seat across from the green mare.
>Roasting Hops looked around, without moving her nose, for Upper Crust.
>No sign of her date yet. She was early, after all.

"Roastie. You're looking great."
>Roasting Hops tried to read Anon's face.
>Pain, fear, hope, even something that was probably nostalgia or love all registered there.
"I guess you found your way out of the restroom finally?"
>She was surprised to hear that without the level of insult she expected.
>"You mean the one in Manehatten?" The human nodded.
>The pair were talking in Trottingham, at the moment.
"Feels like it's been a century since I've seen you."
>ThatsBecauseItLiterallyHas.ogg

>Roasting Hops focused on her heart rate.
>She hadn't had to look normal in … about a century.
>Just like old times.
>Except where it's totally different.

>"I totally didn't expect to see you again. Like, after the argument last time."
>There hadn't been one.
>She'd gone to powder her nose and crawled out through the window.

"I've been thinking a lot about how we separated."
>He barely moved. Still coiled like a snake, eyes following her face,
>they flicked to follow her hooves as she brushed her orange curls out of her way.
>She needed all the eyesight she could get. If this turned violent …
>"And working out, Anon. You don't look a day older."
>Don't mention it directly. Don't start this fight.
>She'd seen him drop royal guards like they were rotten hot-potatoes.

> Roasting Hops tried to sip her champagne.
>She barely noticed that she cracked the flute as she slammed it back to the table.
>"I suppose you're here to talk about our future."
> Still, his body didn't move as he replied

"I'd be just as happy to talk about the past."
>Finally he relaxed a little, his attention roving beyond Roasting's form.
> Anon eyed the plates on the table.
"In the future, your boyfriend is meeting you."
>He raises his eyes to yours, a hurt look coming to the fore.
"Pony stallion?"
>You nod.

>"Anon I …"
> never liked having your weird, gangly legs wrapped around me?
> Never wanted to date a cold blooded killer?
> Want to know what the effing tartarus caused us both to stop aging?
"I'm not here to force you into anything, Roastie. If you want to split up, let me know."
>There's a tear forming, now falling.
>But his expression has softened. He's said his piece; he's found his peace.

>"I was afraid." Her heart was thumping again.
>They had been Quicksilver for a decade and a half, and she never wanted it.
"I would have gone legit, for you. I thought that's what that dinner had celebrated."

>>7767

>The other couple. She remembered now.
>They had met a pony stallion taking his lady friend out for a date.
>Human lady friend.

> Her eyes fell to the table, noting the weave of the tablecloth's silken pattern.
> Would it really have been that easy?
>"Now that I'm not a filly, I'm sorry I hurt you, those years ago."
>When she looked up, Anon was crying freely, though his expression was motionless.
>Cold, like the snake decorations of his dojo from the human lands.

>"Anon, you can write to me. Maybe … in enough years, I'll be available again."
>"But for now, I have a coltfriend, and he's"
>RIGHT OVER THERE, politely waiting and looking out of place for it.

>OhCrapOhCrapOhCrap
>Anon's going to follow my eyes,
>then kill the competition,
>so that I'll be available NOW

>He follows her gaze and sees Upper Crust, looking out of place.
>Roasting Hops can't breathe.
>Anon looks back at her, and uses a quick head-tip to point at Upper Crust.
>Roasted Hops nods, once.

>Anon sits up straight, wipes his tears away.
>She realizes she had been holding her breath.
>She has read his body language; there won't be bloodshed over this.
"Can I … hug you?"

>Anon is almost choking, his tears still flowing.
>Humans are so strange some times. With their emotional displays especially.
>Roasting scoots her chair back from the table, hooves only lightly on its surface

>Anon jumps up, and steps around the table to embrace her.
>His sweat is fresh. Showered, then hustled through a job.
>The smell is identifiable. Too familiar.
>A picture of nights spent in ditches, hovels, and broken-into cellars.
>She isn't sorry to have a home.
>But she's sorry to have hurt the stallion, human though he is.

"I just wanted to save you. You seemed so scared, that first night."
>He means when they met, she realizes.
>"That was the morning, Anon. I was too drunk in the night to know …"
>He steps back, broad, flexible hands still on her shoulders.
"What did you think we were going to do? In my motel room and us both drunk."
>She didn't remember. She shrugged.

>Then she did. Her father had written a letter excluding her from the will.
>The family alcohol was wine, and he wouldn't tolerate a beer drinker.
>Aloud, she told him "I needed somepony to hug me. -
> "I guess I didn't care what else they touched."
>Like her sense of survival.

>He tried to smile, failed.
>Anon stood up, towering over her, then turned and walked out.
>Just like that. No odd gait, no looking back, no sniffling.
>But if the past century had taught her anything, it was she (and he, it seemed) was immortal.
>They could amend their fences later.
>If no one killed her.
>Or Anon.

>>7767
>>7768
The FiMfiction threads has always been one of the more tolerable threads on cuckchan in my humble opinion though a little persnickety. Then again, never ask them for much advice, so perhaps that is do to my lack of interactions.

(>He follows her gaze and sees Upper Crust, looking out of place.
>Roasting Hops can't breathe.
>Anon looks back at her, and uses a quick head-tip to point at Upper Crust.
>Roasted Hops nods, once.

>Anon sits up straight, wipes his tears away.
>She realizes she had been holding her breath.
>She has read his body language; there won't be bloodshed over this.
"Can I … hug you?")

This part is really strong. There is a subtlety with this transition from her fear of her killing Upper Crust to her realization that Anon wasn't rage, but sad devastation.I think the tone is okay otherwise. I mean, edgy immortals possibly are retarded edgelords in the rest of the fic but this is fine.

How long was the horsewords for this and what do you intent to do with it?

>>7767
>Although cuckchan thought it meandered aimlessly and had too many spelling errors co create a discernible story.
Really? Meandering? Was this the context of just the story as a whole or your writing style within these scenes too?

>I honestly don't think the self-appointed editors in the FiM thread speak English -- all their advice is flat-out wrong.
You have generally been the one who corrected us on grammar and spelling. What type of stuff did they say? In fairness, unless you were really dogpiled, it could have been just 2 or 3 anons over the entire thread.

>>7776
>This part is really strong.
I concur.

>I mean, edgy immortals possibly are retarded edgelords in the rest of the fic but this is fine.
It's only the potential for edgelords as the fic doesn't even exist, though I think tone here shows that it likely wouldn't have been simple low tier edginess if CB were to write it but a true emotional drama.

>>7778
>... lost momentum.
Know this feeling.

>>7778
So it wasn't a full thing but just a concept? Sorry, didn't read some of the earlier posts.

>>7780
>Meandering?
Probably the whole story. I see where they maybe coming from but I've seen many insane longfics that jump around get praise so I don't think he should really be concerned much.

> grammar and spelling.
I bet they were britbongs now that I think about it.

>>7791
>The one I was arguing about said he lived in Portland OR so he couldn't even claim a dialect or cultural difference for his nonsense.
No, the young elites are trying to switch us over to britspeak to sound fancy, Actually, it maybe somewhat forgivable depending on his education and background. Maybe he adheres to a odder style guide, but it really gets me annoyed when someone goes aganist US spellings and grammar rules.

>Offering to protect the young mare from harm he convinces her to run off with him, and they spend the next two-plus decades at the barest edge of the law, but still together. In order to develop a name and a talent for the serving girl, of course to whom being known for a skill is of paramount cultural importance, the pair develop the persona of a masterthief.
Did you only write the last part of this or did you have a first part you posted earlier in the thread? Sorry if I am being retarded, but I need to know for commentary/analysis reasons.

>>7795
there was a first-part that was deleted, though as I said it was written later, in response to the break-up meeting up above a distance.

Removed as many spaces to cut it to three posts...This is when they met.

|/|\|

>Roasting Hops tightened the table saddle's girth
>a platter of drinks, balanced across the saddle's beams.
>"Watch your step out there, Hops" came her boss' words.
>Hops had been distracted all day; stumbling into customers.
>spilling precious drops of their drink.
>She just nodded, then waded back into the thick press of equines.

>It wasn't just equines tonight.
>a mated couple, griffons, came in with a kirin.
>A sort of dragon/lion/unicorn cloven hooved thing.
>Their magic was not compatible with pony magics.

>But their coin was. "Hey welcome to the Salted Cider have a seat I'll be right back"
>She'd take their order after the platter was empty again.
>Every drink put down shifted the platter's weight.
>it wanted to fall off; Roasting Hops had to keep shifting the platter on the saddle.

>"Order up." Hops went to swap empty platter for full.
>The boss wanted gossip. "Tell me, girl, this concoction ordered by a griffon?"
>She looked at the cloudy mess. "Kirin."
>Her boss laughed at that. "Does she speak Pony, then?"
>Roasting shook her head, no. "Not so's I can tell. Griffin pair traveling with him have to repeat everything."
>Hops left her boss' chin scratching before she could ask Hops to introduce her.

>The letter's words still clouded her mind.
>In her despair, Roasting Hops almost ran over the new customer.
>It seemed to be a pair of filthy denim pants.

"Excuse me."
>The voice came from three quarters of the way to the ceiling.
>Deeper, more rumbling than even a stallion's voice.
>Hops looked up.
>Normal mane, though she wasn't sure whether to call it dingy red or bright brown.
>No hair coat. Bared arms showed a snake coiling up and down the insides of both.
>Is this where they kept their cutie mark, then?
>The thing's flanks were completely covered by pants, so Hops assumed it was so.
>"You're a human." Her neck hurt looking that high.

>A broad smile revealed teeth of myriad shapes as it spoke again.
"No, no. I'm just walking bipedally today. See how it works out."
>The human spreads his hooves in a shrug.
>Cloven? No. Roasting had never even seen a drawing, let alone a live one.
>They must not walk on those skinny forehooves, much.

[next post]

>Be me. Anonymous. Or just Anon.
>It's not what you're called. Not really.
>If your mom knew you were here … she'd have probably written a letter.
>You hope that's why you haven't seen her since you were four.
>If your dad knew you'd left, you'd know for sure you had no home to go back to.
>Instead of guessing it was like that.
>If your sifu knew you'd left…
>The other students would be tasked with giving you a snake-style beat down
>it would be painted (in your blood), framed, and mounted in the dojo.

>Hopefully what you'd heard was right.
>Pony lands didn't have a "minimum drinking age"
>This bar was crowded. Was it their Friday?
>The serving girl, an earth pony, nearly bowls you over.
>She'd clearly never seen a human.
>To be fair, until three weeks ago you'd never met a pony.

>Order a beer and some food.
>Tell the server you can't digest hay.
"But I can eat some of your food."
>Point to the kirin.
"I've eaten with one of those things, and everything on the table was okay"
>Serving girl squints at the trio of non-ponies, and shouts up to you.
>"I can get you the seafood plate. Are you paying in Pony bits, or Human gold?"

>You'd stolen seven gems when you left Humanity.
>Three from your sifu, but those were probably stolen already.
>One from Johnny, because no one had ever stood up to him before.
>And three from the traveling merchant, because he charged you 100g for a ratty bedroll.
"Human gold."
>You still had enough for a couple days in this pioneer town.

>>7797
>Ponyville, as if the ponies had never though to have a villa of their kind, before.
>Your appearance draws stares, but none are offended.
>The cider is … bitter.
>The fish is well seasoned, and their use of vegetables unfamiliar, but good.
>The green server, young, no horn, short. She has to work twice as hard.
>It's showing. She's tired.
>There she is, bringing two more ciders to … you?

>"Hey. I'm off shift; I don't suppose you'd want some company?"
>She sets the two ciders on the table
>Now she's tonguing something between her front legs.
>Straps fall away, and she lifts the tray off her back.
>Through clenched teeth, she calls "Barley!"
>The tray, along with the empty serving plate, all the straps begin to glow.
>In a pale blue aura they silently float away, floating after a unicorn server.
>That's not how kirin magic works

[next post]

>Roasting thinks about her beer & whiskey equipment.
>Her dad dumped out the mash in a fit of rage.
>How was it her fault wine tasted like vomitus, bottled?

>The human was about done with its food, and she didn't want to go home, yet.
>"Where you staying, then?"
>The human shrugged, mumbled something about sleeping in the woods.
>Friends of the whitetail? Surely even this creature doesn't sleep in the Everfree.

"I'm actually looking for work. I want to move out here. Somewhere among ponies."
>After that, the hulking giant reaches into a vest pocket and brings out an emerald.
"I'm also looking for the right place to sell these."
>Hops catches the sadness in its face as the human adds,
"They're my inheritance from my mother."

>A pony can't just sell something for 150b out here. Nopony has that much.
>"I know some rich people in Canterlot. But out here?"
>She explains that there's no apple orchard
>the 3rd harvest of carrots is weeks away.

>Maybe a new life in Canterlot is what's needed.
>She doesn't really want to go home anyway.
>"There's a barn being retrofitted into an inn."
>Roasting Hops notices this human's economy of motion.
>Every movement is easy, like he's a pegasus.
>But those arms bristle with an earth pony's muscles.
>Hops watches as the human freezes, eyes carefully following the kirin as walks past.
>But when the kirin has left, the human sighs, and finishes the scraps on the plate.

"Sure. Hopefully quieter than your nearby forest."
>The human really did mean the Everfree.
>Roasting Hops tells the human to wait, then grabs some of the booze.
>No way she's taking a cold blooded killer out on a date without slowing him down.
>Hopefully alcohol slows humans down.

>The human is leaning against a lamp post, on the other side of the street.
>Watching every pony walk past, the binocular vision of a hunter.
>Roasting gulps, and hopes this all works out.

>Get the mook to a fence, or a real gem buyer. Take a cut.
>Buy a home far away.
>Trottingham. Absolutely none of her family wares make it there.

>"Hello! And, what should I call you?"
"Anon. And you?"
>"Roasting Hops. Can I ask about your cutie mark?"

>>7798 (next-post on postlines, even)

>Be me. But with more hangover.
>Seriously, at 17 you've never touched alcohol.
>Sifu would beat you for being slowed.
>He beats you enough just because he can.
>You've known the pleasures of women, before however.
>It was … different, with a filly.

>Roastie was hardly any older than you, and you think this was her first time.
>She groans now, sounding as pained as you feel.
>It took some creativity to make the parts reach in a pleasurable way.
>Roastie's eyes, the beautiful color of afternoon sunshine open
>She inhales, as if to scream.
>You lay a hand on her shoulder, hoping to hold off her alarm.
>You may have to talk to a disgruntled father about where she was last night.
>Obviously, you can never have enough dads furious at your very existance.

"Roastie, good morning. I guess that stuff you brought was pretty potent."
>You can't remember when you started calling her a pet name.
>But she laughed, when you said it.
>You wanted her to be free to laugh more. She needed it.
>She didn't scream, but was almost hyperventilating.

>"Anon, they execute ponies for bestiality."
>The bedroom, literally a floor covered with three inches of straw, has no amenities.
>You look for something towel-like so she can at least wipe her privates.
"Are you sure they consider human on pony by that term?"
>She nods, as she tries to get up.

>Getting dressed quickly, you begin to rethink your life's plans.
"Did you tell anyone you were going to get drunk & laid last night?"
>She stumbles toward a nearby wall, not lifting her head all the way.
>Shaking her head carefully she turns and plants her tail end against the wall.
>"No but the booze I stole will paint a picture."
"We just need to leave at separate times and not hold hands. Hooves, whatever."

>If it squicks the natives that much, they'll assume nothing is actually happening.
>So long as the pair don't give the impression anything more is happening.
>The door bursts open. Intruding on the private room are two white pegasi
>Wearing metal uniforms.
>"We're her about some noise complaints." The one on the left all but demands.
>"Come outside right now." the one to your right adds.
>"We need to talk to you about what happened last night."

[next post]

>Instinct kicks in. The titanium blades you'd bought for your 14th birthday.
>But the handles and bindings were stolen, yes.

>One blade, now buried under the collarbone of the pegasus on the right.
>The left was just slashed. Not incapacitated yet.
>You throw a kick to its rib cage, and feel bones break.
>Just as the nausea takes you, you remember the wings.
>Grabbing a wing, you drop the sword in favor of a choke hold.
>Barfing over his bleeding neck, you punch just in front of the shoulder blades.
>Repeatedly.
>Until his spine cracks.

>You're now covered in blood, vomitus, and standing over two dead cops.
>You understand Roasting Hops' fears.
>Gasping, you take the large step toward Roastie.
>Crying, she leans against the barn's wall.
>You lay a hand gently on her right shoulder.

"Roastie?"
>You wait for her to make eye contact.
"You need to make a choice. I'm going to run. Do you want to run with me, or stay here?"
>She's almost shivering now, but the sound of her tears has stopped.
>The way she's eying the corpses, you think you know her answer.

>"Trottingham."
>That was not what you thought her answer would be.
>"It's far from Ponyville. No one travels between them. We can escape."
>She steps away from the wall to lay her head against your right hip.
>Wrapping a foreleg around your left hip, she speaks so softly you almost can't hear her.
>"I don't want to be in this town, ever again."

>>7796
Been under the whether. I will get to this though.

Proof of lifeshitpost that's what you call those right?

>>7803
Yes (usually, PoLS or POLS with a few varients but that still counts).

>>7795
>Actually, it maybe somewhat forgivable depending on his education and background. Maybe he adheres to a odder style guid
That is a very good point. I know people who were taught a certain way or adhere to certain style guides. Sometimes things can be in mid transition or a mixed state where both parties are right.

> it really gets me annoyed when someone goes aganist US spellings and grammar rules.
It is interesting, though I wouldn't want to derail the discussion till you post your thoughts on CB's fic/green here, but it has seemed a lot of stuff has been feeling awfully British later in the US of A. I've noticed even in the local newscast now sometimes they say "Taken to Hospital" over "Taken to the Hospital" or some pronunciations starting to override US ones. Hostile versus Host-ile. Missile vs Miss-ile. Even caught myself saying Mer-uh-lend wrong once as Maryland! I still have a lot of Texan lexicon so one would think I would be resistant!

>>7797
>Roasting Hops tightened the table saddle's girth
>a platter of drinks, balanced across the saddle's beams.
A should be capitalized
>Hops had been distracted all day; stumbling into customers.
<Derpy, she is a Derpy!

>Hops had been distracted all day; stumbling into customers.
>spilling precious drops of their drink.
Again, new sentence, should be capitalized.

>It wasn't just equines tonight.
>a mated couple, griffons, came in with a kirin.
Okay, maybe there is some typing style with greens that I am unfamiliar with, but I believe with these they should be capitalized, period = new sentence, though I suppose you could connect them with a em dash, but that wouldn't be fitting with the style of greens.

>Every drink put down shifted the platter's weight.
>it wanted to fall off; Roasting Hops had to keep shifting the platter on the saddle.
Same error as above.

>"Order up." Hops went to swap empty platter for full.
>The boss wanted gossip. "Tell me, girl, this concoction ordered by a griffon?"
Some might claim the writing is sparse here for not describing the boss in detail or establishing his presence but I think it's fine as it is. He is established by the act of going back to get the drink in the first place and the POV is not focused on him or such details. I suppose if you were aiming for converting this to prose it may require a another line introducing her boss but I wouldn't include more then a thrown away description, something like this:
Hobs turned her attention to her boss. Bloated Beck, a morbidly obese rustic pegasus with an ear for all the goings on of the tavern
And, possibly:
and what money making opportunities may be gained from lose lips

>Deeper, more rumbling than even a stallion's voice.
<Chad Anon

>No hair coat. Bared arms showed a snake coiling up and down the insides of both.
Tattoo?

>Is this where they kept their cutie mark, then?
>The thing's flanks were completely covered by pants, so Hops assumed it was so.
May want to add a single line if anon was wearing a shirt or not. [spoiler] I could be missing something though[spoiler]

>"You're a human." Her neck hurt looking that high.
<Ponies are either extra small or he is extra big.
<Probably both.
<I am interested in what you consider the size of a pony compared to an average human. Always preferred smol myself but I am more of a cuddlier.

>Cloven? No. Roasting had never even seen a drawing, let alone a live one.
Perfectly plausible considering that they are in Ponyville for her not to know that.


>The other students would be tasked with giving you a snake-style beat down
>it would be painted (in your blood), framed, and mounted in the dojo.
<So, is anon a edgy ninja or something? It's not bad or good on it's own, simply typical.
Also, same type of capitalization error.


>Hopefully what you'd heard was right.
>Pony lands didn't have a "minimum drinking age"
The way The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy could be taken to imply it with no foals drinking cider. Not even a criticism, just a notation.

>"I can get you the seafood plate. Are you paying in Pony bits, or Human gold?"
This is a wonderful detail of seafood being freely available in vegetarian pony lands. We've seen Fluttershy feed bears fish and fishing equipment present in other episodes. My headcanon has been that the ponies do use them to provide meat to carnivores and perhaps are willing to use them in some other products like fish oil.

>>7816
>That's not how kirin magic works
<So, interesting, Anon, and I presume mankind in general in this setting is more familiar with kirins then ponydom.


>Roasting thinks about her beer & whiskey equipment.
>Her dad dumped out the mash in a fit of rage.
I am slightly confused by the jumping back and forth in POV, though I presume this is do to the formatting of you trying to cram this all into three posts.
<She wants to make wine, but her Dad won't let her live the dream.

>The human shrugged, mumbled something about sleeping in the woods.
>Friends of the whitetail? Surely even this creature doesn't sleep in the Everfree.
Was Anon mumbling about sleeping with friends of whitetail? As in he was trying to deceive Hobs on where he was sleeping. Might want to switch these lines around if that was the case. Which I presume is, because:
>The human really did mean the Everfree.

>Hops catches the sadness in its face as the human adds,
"They're my inheritance from my mother."
<Royalty? Nobility? At least rich.

>She explains that there's no apple orchard
Sweet Apple Acres is a thing which exists in Ponyville. I know, background pony, but it was the setting of a few episodes.

>No way she's taking a cold blooded killer out on a date without slowing him down.
From what context does she know this? This next line would be good to have before and indicate that first:
>Watching every pony walk past, the binocular vision of a hunter.

>Seriously, at 17 you've never touched alcohol.
<Anon is only 17
This is normally a huge red flag. Angst filled adult is one thing, but when it's a teen the cringe is nearly guaranteed with less interesting stuff going on to make a story even partly worth reading. I'll let it pass for this case—now anyway—time skip has anon aged some and you have one good thing going for you that I will get to in a moment.


"Roastie, good morning. I guess that stuff you brought was pretty potent."
>You can't remember when you started calling her a pet name.
If this is what I think it is then that is pretty cleaver use of her name for a innuendo while being completely fitting for a pony whose CM is in brewing.

>The door bursts open. Intruding on the private room are two white pegasi
>Wearing metal uniforms.
I find this part slightly abrupt. Part of me feels like this could use a slight longer line or a hint or... I don't know. I feel like something is missing here.

>One blade, now buried under the collarbone of the pegasus on the right.
<Edgy ninja

>Until his spine cracks.
<Edgy brawler.

>Wrapping a foreleg around your left hip, she speaks so softly you almost can't hear her.
>"I don't want to be in this town, ever again."
<"I want to be an edgy ninja too anon and we can make edgy ninja baby freaks of nature together."
<"My favorite film is Star Wars Attack of the Clones, Anakin is so, umf when he slaughters all those Tuskens and you are bringing on the same feeling."

>>7817
This part of the story is alright. It's not as strong of a tone as the first part (er... the latter part?) but that is a emotional climax while this is just establishing the set up. I can see why someone would be turned off by some aspects of this but I disagree on this point:
>Although cuckchan thought it meandered aimlessly and had too many spelling errors co create a discernible story.
The story is very discernible, they are a few things that could get better clarity but I understood overall what was going on. Main jaring part was the police and that one jump in POV back to Hobs.

The character's in this story are interesting, well, one of them is. Anon, especially in the earlier part, seems like your average old instrument of sex and power fantasy on behalf of the reader. I don't consider it completely as off limits as some (how many supposedly better writters just use Twilight Sparkle or some other main character to do the same thing?) but is not something that many like and can get tiresome when it is overdosed. Makes me leery. Though, the earlier part, Anon does feel a bit more established and you covey a pain and familiarity between the two that makes me think he is more fleshed out then this "first" part suggests.

Now, onto the interesting one, Roasting Hops. Though I did mock her for running away with Anon at the end of my commentary, I think you established her motivations quick well. She is young, hates her life and even with some reservations, decided to that both she may have no other choice and took her chance with Anon. This character feels more real to me then a lot of OC's I have seen. For as much as one could mock it all as escapist fantasy, people forget that IRL, kids, teen girls, can run away and make stupid choices (Think of the song Young Turks and teen girls joing ISIS). There is a certain harmony with her. She's not some mixed colored secondary Mary Sue or damsel in distress but feels organic to the world with what details you established. Her name is perfect and I would find her incorporating her cutie mark in some way with her misadventures with Anon in crime to be interesting.

I say the same for the world as well. I like it how you put humans as a vague far off people in Equestria and even hinted at little details to this (Anon being more familiar with kirins then ponies). It is this sense of world building that I get from you. That you thought up on details of how this world and all these characters that makes me give some leeway with what I normally don't like, Anon and other self insert edgelord OC characters.

>>7807
> Sometimes things can be in mid transition or a mixed state where both parties are right.
Oh,it's worse then that. I decided to make this post separate from the review just to highlight this one point:
>>7797
>Hops left her boss' chin scratching
>boss'
Oh, without even seeing the argument, I have a pretty good guess this was a major cause of it. Massive autism fit even. Possessives do that to people and let me tell you that you were all probably correct.
https://www.latimes.com/socal/glendale-news-press/opinion/tn-gnp-a-word-please-the-trouble-with-singular-nouns-punctuation-20150904-story.html
>But even the most apostrophe-savvy people can be vanquished by these tiny daggers of punctuation. Take, for example, the following passage: We met James’ and Chaz’s boss’ sister, along with Max’s boss’s brother.

>Linger a moment over those possessives — those wildly inconsistent and counterintuitive uses of apostrophes and S. There’s no way those can be right, right?

>Wrong. According to Associated Press Style, they’re all correct —from the lonely apostrophe after James to the apostrophe plus S after Max to the two different ways of forming the possessive of the word “boss.”

>It gets worse: On any given day, you could read one news source with possessives written exactly as above, then surf to another news site and see possessives done a bit differently, then open a book and see yet another system. And they’re all correct because different editing styles have different rules for singular possessives ending in S.
Everybody got to keep that in mind and not be grammar nazis to each other.

>"Taken to Hospital" over "Taken to the Hospital" or some pronunciations starting to override US ones. Hostile versus Host-ile. Missile vs Miss-ile. Even caught myself saying Mer-uh-lend wrong once as Maryland! I still have a lot of Texan lexicon so one would think I would be resistant!
I have noticed some of this. I think it our more youthful elite and some people just picking shit up because they think it sounds better. Especially with the British pronunciations on anything ending with iles.

Well, anyway, hope you anons enjoyed my review, sorry if I overdosed on the color tags, I just couldn't help but use them over the normal and more limited options of most chans I visit.

>>7816
<Derpy!
Only today though. I wanted to lay out ahead of time how she was already distraught enough to consider running away to live a life of crime.

>new sentence, should be capitalized.
So, I've been under the over-archinng understanding that greens favor a much faster, looser style. Sometimes with grammer, certainly with punctuation.
But it's a fair point and I bet I haven't been anything like consistent because I was typing as fast as I could think of the words to describe the image in my head.

>Some might claim the writing is sparse here for not describing the boss
The boss is an absolute non-entity. And since I hate creating pony names anyway, I wouldn't name her (I'd pictured it was a mare too) if I did write this into a full length piece of prose. She doesn't have another speaking line in the whole piece and that also wouldn't change.

>Tattoo?
Yeah. Sleeveless shirt and a dojo-specific tattoo.

>This is a wonderful detail of seafood being freely available
I'm hardly the first to consider it, but it does give more freedom to an author on how to address the question of food. Some, like Kkat of FoE fame, assume instead that ponies are omnivores, like we are, and eating squirrels isn't all that unusual. I prefer to think that ponies are herbivores, and not vegetarians. But with fellow sentient creatures that need fresh meat in their diet, some sort of compromise would have to be made ... or the writer assumes a continual revulsion when they try to talk to non-herbivores, knowing that at dinner time this other, will be eating ... an animal.
I appreciate that take too, but it's not where I want to go with my stories.

>>7817
>I presume mankind in general in this setting is more familiar with kirins
No, only this particular human. Y'see I was pulling from a fan-fiction that got indirectly cancelled. In it, the Kirin were much more lion-like than pony, and focused on lightning rather than fire as eventually presented. In that piece they were also presented as noble in spirit, natural leaders. The dark flip side of this is all the mafia lords and cartel hustlers are kirin too.

>I am confused by the POV changes
Since this is a romance, the publishers & editors expressly tell you to spend half your time in each party's head so we can better see the romance building up. If you split it out by "post marker" you might see that I mostly alternate, so as a novel in that genre at least, it makes sense. Other books though, change POV freely and it can work fine so long as you know quickly both that you've changed, and who you've changed too. The Inspector-Gamash (sp?) series, for example.

>Was Anon mumbling about sleeping with friends of whitetail?
This was given away by tracking the POV, which never changes mid-post, and the whitetail comment was, I believe, italicized which sometimes is used for emphasis but in the case of whole sentences, means it's a thought running through the POV character, which is Roasting Hops at this moment.
This whole thing is a compressed "getting to know you" story so it's filled with misunderstanding by one, about the other.

I feel this misunderstanding is on you, though.
>Royalty? Nobility?
NO, no, no.. Read the next last thing Anon had been thinking to himself as he sank into his booze.
>You'd stolen 7 gems when you left Humanity. Three from your sifu, 1 from Johnny, and 3 from that (((merchant))).
but since he's got some normal cash left over, he replies "human gold"
//Great. Now I need to figure out what the kirins call their money.
//This is complicated by the introduction of show-kirin, who are far too pony-like

>7817 con't
>Sweet Apple Acres is a thing
No. Sorry, did you read the g-doc where I laid out the setting? I'd have some sort of thing included in a full-novel to clear up "when" this was supposed to happen but ... Yes at this time the Apples own the land where the orchard will be grown, but it's just brambles and a makeshift fence right now. We know it wasn't too many ... months? Something... until Granny Smith Apple found the Zap Apples, but remember those were wild still and also needed time to cultivated and replanted and/or grown from seed.

>From what context does she know [Anon is a killer]?
The fact that he's been casually sleeping in the Everfree Forest. It gets a bit noisy, he says. But not "I'd love to not fear for my life in a meadow full of vicious carnivores" which is what a pony would have said about that.

>I'll let it pass for this case
Given the societal backdrop in which this is set, it seems perfectly reasonable to me. WE didn't have a drinking-age until, what the '30s? Somebody looked a bunch of firsts up once, for a pony RPG, this was one of them. Certainly in medieval times, there were certain feasts when the "kids" at twelve, fourteen, whatever, were allowed to get drunk before their first day of work which, yes, sometimes they'd have to call in sick because they'd never been hungover before.

< >"Roasting, good morning"
>If this is what I think it is
No. And there are two reasons why I would need to rename the female lead and this is one of them. I hadn't heard that term as a slur until ... '14? '15? maybe later still. And it kinda pisses me off because it's not really like virgin eighteen year olds have beautiful vulvae; that's just how women are put together so get your mind out of the gutter and
sigh
The other reason is, and of course I looked this up AFTER writing this whole thing, that no beer maker experiments with roasting the hops twice. It does nothing positive for the taste or texture and damages the hops' ability to preserve the beer during storage. So it's a dumb name and that's where that stands.
But her cutie mark is brewing, I'm sure. Giant wooden vat over a fire, maybe.

>I find this part [guard bursting in] slightly abrupt
It is, but there's an off screen reason, and I personally don't have a problem with that, and that this is what follows this seems natural too.
You've by now read, heard, learned, that cops make mistakes, right? Sometimes those are horrible mistakes where people wind up dead. Sometimes an innocent bystander, sometimes the cop.
The "inn's" proprietor has been burned to a pile of ash, with just the hooves and a bit of forelock falling outside the circle of destruction. There's only the one room as it turns out, and the guard are assuming they've been burnt too. Since the ash is still warm, they're thinking (maybe only the lead partner?) that the guests could be involved, and whatever form their involvement takes, more will be learned if they don't wait for the killer to leave.
Should the killer be hiding in the room, I mean.
So, they burst in, find perfectly healthy guests who look badly startled, and that lead partner needs to blurt out SOMETHING that will seem reasonable enough to get them outside, so the guard can gauge the nature and approximate veracity of the guests reaction to seeing the pile of ash with some bloodied hooves sticking out.
"oops" their ghosts might later say.

>edgy ninja
>edgy brawler
Edgy killer.
He's not even trying to be "Edgy" it's just -- this is an extension of how he was raised, and when a teenager leaps into action from instinct alone, naturally it will turn out to have been the wrong thing.

>"My favorite film is Star Wars Attack of the Clones, Anakin is so, umf"
Yeah no one on halfchan liked her reaction. Again, edgy teenager reacting without fully thinking. She'd already decided to take the mook to Canterlot, and now that would mean she could never come home. "oops" her adult self might tell her filly self.

>>7819
>Oh, without even seeing the argument, I have a pretty good guess this was a major cause of it.
Yeah. I wouldn't even mind that I was told I used the wrong possessive for a word that ends in -s. But it was the unwavering arrogance that all different opinions are only held by mindless piles of trash that I reacted badly to it.

>Everybody got to keep that in mind and not be grammar nazis to each other.
(insert Flutts in uniform)
"You think grammar is an em effing GAME ?!"

Errhm. Anyway.

>>7818
I'm glad you overall-liked it.

>For as much as one could mock it all as escapist fantasy,
I mean ... is there any other reason to write fan fiction?

>I say the same for the world as well.
As I said with something else, I wasn't the first to think of it. That same fan-fic, that got so many complaints about purple prose, plus the steam roller of the canon adding races and rites and history, it was completely redone and while I liked part of it, I miss the lion-kirin taking charge when the princesses both disappeared and roping in humans to help out the suddenly rudderless ponies. Is that mixing my metaphors? Not until I pour it into a blender I borrowed from Pinky!

>That you thought up on details of how this world and all these characters that makes me give some leeway with what I normally don't like
A big part of what I like, I think, in writing fan-fiction is having a complete world. I don't want to write about meeting a friend for coffee and focusing on how the coffee feels as it rolls down the MC's throat. I want to hint at how the riots in the main coffee growing countries have caused two factions to emerge, one using dark magic to force-grow coffee plants in a completely unreasonable soil, resulting in cursed (but tasty!) beans, and another who is importing dirt to try and grow the plants naturally but has made a lot of enemies, and all the wrong friends resulting in a strained supply line and high prices but at least it tastes natural, as coffee should. Just don't work as a courier. Like the rainbow-factory rumors, once you're in, you can never get out except in a body bag.

And why, today, does our MC care about the coffee's texture? Why, the outlet had to switch to the cursed beans, and our MC immediately knows what's wrong!
(Being an expert in curses after reading several Daring Do novels and traveling Equestria to disprove Yearling's presentation of magic)

Yeah, you should get a sense of world-building from me. It's kinda my shtick, I guess.

>>7820
>the whitetail comment was, I believe, italicized

Okay I looked it over again, and it wasn't. Was supposed to be, to make it more clear what Anon said, and what Hops thought about what she'd heard.

While I'm correcting myself,
>Read the next last thing Anon
I thought Anon's comments on where the gems actually came from was just coming up, but no it was a few posts back. It should, corrected, read something like
>Read the last thing Anon to himself.

This copy might be corrected, but in some cases I've found I accidentally went back and forth a bit between having the mare-MC's first name be Roasting, and Roasted but since I need to change it to something completely different anyway I guess I won't belabor the point further.

>>7821
> I personally don't have a problem with
[...]
> it seems perfectly reasonable

Sorry I didn't mean to sound like I was dismissing your input. I remember considering those points when I wrote it the first time, and decided that there wasn't a better way to deal with the subject matter without diving down a rabbit-hole of exposition so I just threw it in the way you see here.

In the case of the pile of ash, two dead guards would make this look really bad, of course, but since there are two separate, unrelated crimes it would make both parties have better chances of getting away with it.

And in full novel form, this would come out as Quicksilver learns that the guard-stabber is wanted for magically crisping the innkeeper.
"Well, at least we don't owe anyone back-rent." might be Anon's response. Which really cheeses off poor Hops.
That's probably their first lover's spat, actually. Could be well used both to explain the intrusion, and help build the couple's daily interactions.

>>7821
>No. Sorry, did you read the g-doc where I laid out the setting?
I think I did but it was awhile ago so I forgot. Sorry.

> that's just how women are put together so get your mind out of the gutter and
To be fair to myself, I thought that was anon being crass and endearing in his own way and I didn't catch that till I read the first part here. The fact that is completely innocent makes me feel kind of bad for your character, as it is a cute name regardless.

>The "inn's" proprietor has been burned to a pile of ash, with just the hooves and a bit of forelock falling outside the circle of destruction.
Okay, that makes sense. Part of the problem is me reviewing this without full context of the story it seems.
>>7799
>If it squicks the natives that much, they'll assume nothing is actually happening.
>So long as the pair don't give the impression anything more is happening.
>The door bursts open. Intruding on the private room are two white pegasi
>Wearing metal uniforms.
>"We're her about some noise complaints." The one on the left all but demands.
>"Come outside right now." the one to your right adds.
>"We need to talk to you about what happened last night."
It still seems a little abrupt for me. Though upon further reflection I think this could be fixed in a different way with slight more description. Show, don't tell, yada yada.

> and when a teenager leaps into action from instinct alone, naturally it will turn out to have been the wrong thing.
That sounds like an edgy Anon to me. Though a little edgy may not be bad, I thought in the breakup scene he felt pretty fleshed out.

>Again, edgy teenager reacting without fully thinking.
She is not even edgy. It is actually quite natural both as fictional motifs and real life, as I have stated. I mean, I think it's something you can make fun of and laugh at, but in the sense of making fun of her stupidity more then the story's.

>>7822
>I mean ... is there any other reason to write fan fiction?
I suppose most fan fiction really is escapist in some way when we get down to it but some what I meant with that is self inserts and power fantasy. Sometimes one wants a story with a little coating from it in a raw overdose or just spend some time with some characters outside that goal.

> I want to hint at how the riots in the main coffee growing countries have caused two factions to emerge,
>Yeah, you should get a sense of world-building from me. It's kinda my shtick, I guess.
This I can respect a lot. A lot of writers put these type of details as secondary for stuff just happening for the stories sake. That is actually one of my main complaints personally with power fantasies OC.